When the movie based on my first book came out Nils, a crew of assorted miscreants and I rode around the country in a huge tour bus, attending premieres in various cities and causing all sorts of havoc. There were many, many hilarious incidents, but one incident stood above the rest, an incident that was so awesome that it shocked even Dr. Drew.
It all started the night of the premiere in Raleigh, North Carolina. I was sitting on the tour bus, exhausted from a long day, sipping a beer and talking to Jeff and Nils. These two girls I had talked to earlier came on the bus, and they were pretty, but to be honest, I was fairly unenthusiastic about them. Still, they were girls, and they were there, and they wanted to fuck, so I tried to find something compelling about them:
Tucker “So what do you do?”
Girl “I’m an x-ray tech.”
OK, that is interesting. Jeff had hurt his shoulder the day before–because in a fit of rage, he tried to use it to dent an elevator door–and now he thought he might have a serious problem with it.
Tucker “Really? Jeff has a bad shoulder. Can you get it x-rayed it for him?”
X-rayTech “Of course. I can x-ray anything.”
Tucker “When can we go? Tomorrow morning maybe?”
X-rayTech “Right now, if you want.”
X-rayFriend “She has the keys to the place.”
Jeff and I perk up like meerkats and shared a conspiratorial glance.
Tucker “You have keys? To an x-ray clinic? How?”
X-rayTech “I am the head tech there, and the boss wants to fuck me, so he lets me do anything I want.”
Tucker “So we can go and get an x-ray, right now?”
Tucker “What else can you x-ray?”
X-rayTech “I can x-ray anything you want.”
Tucker “So…can you get an x-ray of you and me fucking?”
X-rayTech and her friend flash their best 3am Cinemax grins.
X-rayTech “I can do you one better. I can get an x-ray video of us fucking.”
Tucker “You shut up! There is no such thing as x-ray video! That’s only in Total Recall!”
X-rayFriend “There is. We can go now.”
Jeff and I leap to our feet, I take X-rayTech by her hand, Jeff grabs the other one, and we sprint from the tour bus out to the van and race the clinic.
Once there, X-rayTech unlocks the door, disarms the alarm, and we get situated in front of the x-ray machine. We quickly figure out that an x-ray video of us having sex won’t work–its pretty much impossible to see things distinctly, because it’s just a mass of bones. I have another idea: I put the X-rayTech on her knees and have her fellate me in front of the x-ray machine. I can immediately hear Jeff and the other girl crack up laughing.
Jeff “That’s awesome, holy shit!”
He is laughing so much, I almost think he has to be playing it up.
Jeff “OK, that’s good you got plenty of video, I want to go now!!”
We switch places, they get in front of the x-ray machine and start going, and X-rayTech turns it on.
I literally fell on the floor laughing. Legitimately the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life. The video is the best:
I shock Dr. Drew
That’s not all there is to this story. I went on Loveline a few weeks later, and I was really excited about it because I am a huge Dr. Drew fan, and have been for years. During a commercial, we were talking about things that shock him, and he said that after being a doctor for like 25 years, and doing Loveline for over 20, nothing shocked him anymore. So I showed him the SeX-ray video.
I will try to not overstate this, but there is no doubt, Dr. Drew was shocked. He was kinda stammering for a second, and then we came back on the air. This is the exact transcript from that point forward:
Dr. Drew “We’re back…I was just exposed to a video of, I guess oral sex…”
Tucker “I knew that was gonna throw you for a curve ball man.”
Dr. Drew “It’s oral sex on a Cinescope.”
Tucker “No no, on X-ray video.”
Dr. Drew “Yeah but a fluoroscope, it’s called. That’s a ton of x-ray exposure buddy, right to your nuts.”
Tucker “She had metal hoop earrings on too Dr. Drew! It was an x-ray tech who I hooked up with, who put me in front of that thing…”
Dr. Drew “Is she out of her mind?”
Tucker “Well…she said it was a lower level of exposure than…”
Dr. Drew “It is, but it’s still a–we doctors are a very cautious…”
Tucker “And after, a doctor emailed me after I posted this. He’s like ‘you cannot say who did that because they’ll lose their license.’ Like it’s a big deal or something.”
Dr. Drew “Yeah it’s a big deal! And especially shooting across your testes. I mean, that’s f-ed up, I’m sorry but that’s not a cool thing.”
Nils “She might actually get an award from the national organization for women.”
Dr. Drew “I guarantee that she was as narcissistic as you, or a drug addict, to be able to want to take that kind of risk.”
Tucker “She’s a nice lady!”
Dr. Drew “I’m just saying.”
Tucker “It’s really that bad?”
Dr. Drew “Is it bad? You know, when we use fluoroscopes, you put them on for just a second and then take them off, because its such a high level of radiation. It’s continuous radiation exposure. It’s not just a single picture.”
Tucker “So I can go without a condom for a couple months?”
Dr. Drew [glares at me]
Tucker “I’m just kidding. No but it’s not permanent, is it really?”
Nils (laughs) “It’s not permanent.”
Dr. Drew “Well, risk of testicular cancers, risk of all kinds of stuff. That’ s why they wear those big lead shields when they’re working there!”
Tucker “So you’re saying that skeleton porn’s not going to catch on.”
Dr. Drew “I don’t think so. What they’ve done is MRIs and CT scans and things like that.”
Tucker “But have you ever seen x-ray porn like that?”
Dr. Drew “No.”
Tucker “The best part is that she had hoop earrings on, did you see that?”
Dr. Drew “Yeah so the x-ray was also firing into those and going all over the place.”
Nils “That’s the best part. Not the infertility.”
Dr. Drew “Oh Tucker. This is not good. Not good at all.”
I’ll just say it: When you can shock Dr. Drew, you’ve really accomplished something. Whether it’s good or bad–or causes testicular cancer–is a different issue…but it’s definitely something.