March 5th, 2012
The Tucker Max Stories
The Tucker Max SeX-ray
When the movie based on my first book came out Nils, a crew of assorted miscreants and I rode around the country in a huge tour bus, attending premieres in various cities and causing all sorts of havoc. There were many, many hilarious incidents, but one incident stood above the rest, an incident that was so awesome that it shocked even Dr. Drew.
It all started the night of the premiere in Raleigh, North Carolina. I was sitting on the tour bus, exhausted from a long day, sipping a beer and talking to Jeff and Nils. These two girls I had talked to earlier came on the bus, and they were pretty, but to be honest, I was fairly unenthusiastic about them. Still, they were girls, and they were there, and they wanted to fuck, so I tried to find something compelling about them:
Tucker “So what do you do?”
Girl “I’m an x-ray tech.”
OK, that is interesting. Jeff had hurt his shoulder the day before–because in a fit of rage, he tried to use it to dent an elevator door–and now he thought he might have a serious problem with it.
Tucker “Really? Jeff has a bad shoulder. Can you get it x-rayed it for him?”
X-rayTech “Of course. I can x-ray anything.”
Tucker “When can we go? Tomorrow morning maybe?”
X-rayTech “Right now, if you want.”
X-rayFriend “She has the keys to the place.”
Jeff and I perk up like meerkats and shared a conspiratorial glance.
Tucker “You have keys? To an x-ray clinic? How?”
X-rayTech “I am the head tech there, and the boss wants to fuck me, so he lets me do anything I want.”
Tucker “So we can go and get an x-ray, right now?”
Tucker “What else can you x-ray?”
X-rayTech “I can x-ray anything you want.”
Tucker “So…can you get an x-ray of you and me fucking?”
X-rayTech and her friend flash their best 3am Cinemax grins.
X-rayTech “I can do you one better. I can get an x-ray video of us fucking.”
Tucker “You shut up! There is no such thing as x-ray video! That’s only in Total Recall!”
X-rayFriend “There is. We can go now.”
Jeff and I leap to our feet, I take X-rayTech by her hand, Jeff grabs the other one, and we sprint from the tour bus out to the van and race the clinic.
Once there, X-rayTech unlocks the door, disarms the alarm, and we get situated in front of the x-ray machine. We quickly figure out that an x-ray video of us having sex won’t work–its pretty much impossible to see things distinctly, because it’s just a mass of bones. I have another idea: I put the X-rayTech on her knees and have her fellate me in front of the x-ray machine. I can immediately hear Jeff and the other girl crack up laughing.
Jeff “That’s awesome, holy shit!”
He is laughing so much, I almost think he has to be playing it up.
Jeff “OK, that’s good you got plenty of video, I want to go now!!”
We switch places, they get in front of the x-ray machine and start going, and X-rayTech turns it on.
I literally fell on the floor laughing. Legitimately the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life. The video is the best:
I shock Dr. Drew
That’s not all there is to this story. I went on Loveline a few weeks later, and I was really excited about it because I am a huge Dr. Drew fan, and have been for years. During a commercial, we were talking about things that shock him, and he said that after being a doctor for like 25 years, and doing Loveline for over 20, nothing shocked him anymore. So I showed him the SeX-ray video.
I will try to not overstate this, but there is no doubt, Dr. Drew was shocked. He was kinda stammering for a second, and then we came back on the air. This is the exact transcript from that point forward:
Dr. Drew “We’re back…I was just exposed to a video of, I guess oral sex…”
Tucker “I knew that was gonna throw you for a curve ball man.”
Dr. Drew “It’s oral sex on a Cinescope.”
Tucker “No no, on X-ray video.”
Dr. Drew “Yeah but a fluoroscope, it’s called. That’s a ton of x-ray exposure buddy, right to your nuts.”
Tucker “She had metal hoop earrings on too Dr. Drew! It was an x-ray tech who I hooked up with, who put me in front of that thing…”
Dr. Drew “Is she out of her mind?”
Tucker “Well…she said it was a lower level of exposure than…”
Dr. Drew “It is, but it’s still a–we doctors are a very cautious…”
Tucker “And after, a doctor emailed me after I posted this. He’s like ‘you cannot say who did that because they’ll lose their license.’ Like it’s a big deal or something.”
Dr. Drew “Yeah it’s a big deal! And especially shooting across your testes. I mean, that’s f-ed up, I’m sorry but that’s not a cool thing.”
Nils “She might actually get an award from the national organization for women.”
Dr. Drew “I guarantee that she was as narcissistic as you, or a drug addict, to be able to want to take that kind of risk.”
Tucker “She’s a nice lady!”
Dr. Drew “I’m just saying.”
Tucker “It’s really that bad?”
Dr. Drew “Is it bad? You know, when we use fluoroscopes, you put them on for just a second and then take them off, because its such a high level of radiation. It’s continuous radiation exposure. It’s not just a single picture.”
Tucker “So I can go without a condom for a couple months?”
Dr. Drew [glares at me]
Tucker “I’m just kidding. No but it’s not permanent, is it really?”
Nils (laughs) “It’s not permanent.”
Dr. Drew “Well, risk of testicular cancers, risk of all kinds of stuff. That’ s why they wear those big lead shields when they’re working there!”
Tucker “So you’re saying that skeleton porn’s not going to catch on.”
Dr. Drew “I don’t think so. What they’ve done is MRIs and CT scans and things like that.”
Tucker “But have you ever seen x-ray porn like that?”
Dr. Drew “No.”
Tucker “The best part is that she had hoop earrings on, did you see that?”
Dr. Drew “Yeah so the x-ray was also firing into those and going all over the place.”
Nils “That’s the best part. Not the infertility.”
Dr. Drew “Oh Tucker. This is not good. Not good at all.”
I’ll just say it: When you can shock Dr. Drew, you’ve really accomplished something. Whether it’s good or bad–or causes testicular cancer–is a different issue…but it’s definitely something.
Tucker goes to doctor, hilarity ensues
Occurred, May 2010
I went back on Loveline in January 2010 to promote that book, actually, and the show went great as always, because Dr. Drew is awesome. During one of the breaks, we talked again about the SeX-ray video, and he asked me if I had gotten a check-up like he recommended during my previous appearance.
Tucker “What do you mean? Like seen a doctor? No.”
Dr. Drew “You really should.”
Tucker “I have felt a little, I don’t know–less like myself recently.”
Nils “You sound like a fucking anti-depressant ad.”
Dr. Drew “You really should get checked out. Shooting that much radiation across your balls can affect testosterone, which would explain that.”
I ignore the vast majority of what people say to me, both good and bad, and I can’t remember the last time I took advice from someone. But I respect the hell out of Dr. Drew, even more so now that I kinda know him in real life. When he tells me to do something, especially something medical, I pay attention.
I don’t really trust most doctors though, so when I got back to Austin, I found a blood testing facility and got my own lab tests done. They came back and confirmed what Dr. Drew had suspected: I had really low testosterone. It was right at the lower bound of normal, which put it about half of what I was at the last time I got full blood work done. This is not good. I immediately found a highly recommended endocrinologist (a doctor that specializes in hormones), and made an appointment. She was supposed to be “the best” in central Texas.
It’s funny–when doctors are considered “the best” it usually means one of two things: They really are awesome, or they are all hype and really fucking suck. It became immediately clear which one this was.
The doctor came into the exam room an hour late. She was about mid-forties, definitely pretty, but in a severe way. She carried herself with an air that immediately said, “I am such a delicate genius, you’re lucky to be in my presence.” That was the first bad sign. She started off by recapping what I’d told her receptionist when I made the appointment.
DoctorUppity “So, it says here you think you have low testosterone?”
Tucker “Yeah, well I have been feeling kinda sluggish and tired and, it’s hard to describe, but just not myself recently. Like I am a step behind who I normally am. I’m pretty sure my low testosterone is the cause.”
DoctorUppity “Well, we don’t actually know if you have low testosterone, we’ll have to run some tests, and then–”
Tucker “Oh no, I do. I already did them.”
I handed her my blood test results, as well as some from two years ago that showed a baseline for me. I thought she’d be excited about this, that a patient had taken an interest in his health and done some of her work for her.
DoctorUppity “You ALREADY did blood tests? How? Where?”
She wasn’t asking me because she was confused. She was asking me, incredulous, like she was mad at me.
Tucker “At a place called Any Lab Test Now. They draw your blood and send it off for tests to the same labs the doctors do. Here are the results.”
She snatched the papers from my hand and started rifling through them, as if they were scientific poison. Now I know what Galileo felt like. She started lecturing me about patients thinking they know better than doctors, and about how I wasn’t qualified to read and interpret the results–even though these are the exact same results that get sent to doctors. Her “I am the sole expert here because I gave the University of Texas $130k and 4 years of my life” attitude was a REALLY bad sign. Experts who think they hold a monopoly on knowledge within their subject or field are not only usually bad at their job, they can be dangerous (e.g., the cause of the 2008 financial crash). I could talk for hours about why this is the case, but you probably don’t care, because it’s not funny (if you do care, go read “The Black Swan” by Nassim Taleb).
DoctorUppity “Why did you do this?”
Tucker “Do what?”
DoctorUppity “Get your own blood tests done?”
Tucker “How else am I going to see if there’s a problem?
DoctorUppity “Well, you can come to the doctor first, like everyone else.”
I probably should have just walked out at that point. This woman was obviously a fucking disaster. But I didn’t. I was desperate to fix my balls.
Tucker “I kinda did. I’m here because Dr. Drew told me to come.”
DoctorUppity “Dr. Drew?”
Tucker “You know, from Loveline and Celebrity Rehab, and–”
DoctorUppity “Oh, I KNOW who Dr. Drew is. What does he have to do with why you’re here?”
Tucker “Well, when I was on his show–”
DoctorUppity “You called into Loveline for medical advice?
Her tone was about as condescending and rude as it could get for a service provider speaking to a paying client. She may have been questioning my intelligence for calling into a radio show for medical advice, which I guess I can understand. But in the moment, I took it like she was questioning Dr. Drew’s credibility as a doctor. That was basically the tipping point for me. I turned combative and sarcastic.
Tucker “No, I did not. I was a guest on the show.”
DoctorUppity “You were a guest on Loveline?”
Tucker “Yes, and when I told Dr. Drew what happened to me, he told me to get checked out.”
DoctorUppity “What happened?”
Tucker “Well, I got a blowjob in front of an x-ray machine.”
DoctorUppity “You’re kidding right?”
Tucker “I think if you saw the video, it will clear everything up.”
DoctorUppity “The video?”
There wasn’t a computer in the exam room, so I walked out to the reception area. This office had multiple doctors in it, so there was not just a solo receptionist sitting at the front desk., There was also a handful of nurses and techs milling around. Before the doctor could really figure out what was going on, I got in front of the computer, typed “Tucker Max Sex Ray” into Google, and clicked on the video.
I hadn’t watched this video in a long time, and I’d forgotten that it had music to it. In fact, if you are at a computer, go bring up the video and make sure the sound is on. Well, that computer had the sound on too. Loud. Which made everything even more awesome.
DoctorUppity “Is that…are you…oh my god…”
Now it’s time for the tables to turn on this doctor. The sound to the video, combined with her reaction, pretty much ensured everyone in the office came over to see what was going on. And of course, I am never one to not play to a crowd.
Tucker “The video is exactly what I told you it was–me getting a blowjob in front of an x-ray machine.”
DoctorUppity “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS??”
Tucker “Well, I wanted to invent a new genre of porn.”
DoctorUppity “You wanted to invent a new genre of porn???”
At this point, the whole thing turned into a fucking Abbott and Costello “Who’s on first” routine.
DoctorUppity “WHO ARE YOU??”
Tucker “Tucker Max.”
Receptionist “You’re Tucker Max? Really?”
Nurse “Hey, I read your book. You’re that buttsex guy! You’re so funny!”
DoctorUppity “You know who he is?”
Receptionist “Of course, he’s like, famous or something. Right?”
Tucker “Are you asking me if I’m famous?”
DoctorUppity “You’re famous? For blowjob videos?”
Tech “I’ve seen that. I remember when that video came out. Hey–you’re Tucker Max!”
Tucker “Hi, nice to meet you.”
DoctorUppity “I still don’t understand how you even did this. Using a floroscope like this is highly illegal.”
Tucker “Well, it was the x-ray tech who was the one giving me the blowjob.”
Tech “Yeah, I read that in your book. That was hilarious.”
DoctorUppity “This is in a book? You wrote a book?”
Nurse “Yeah, I read it. It was funny. This wasn’t in the book though, was it?”
Tech “Yeah, it was in his second book.”
Nurse “You have two books?!? How did I miss that? What’s it called?”
Tucker “Assholes Finish First.”
Receptionist “They sure do.”
Nurse “Oh my god, I have to go get a copy!”
Tech “Yo, can I get a picture with you? My friend is never going to believe this. You’re his hero.”
Tucker “Of course.”
It took like ten minutes to get back on track after that. I had to backtrack and explain everything again to the doctor, who was in such shock she almost couldn’t process it. I mean, in her defense–this video shocked Dr. Drew, so her being really fucked up over it is understandable.
There isn’t much else to talk about for this story, at least anything else that’s funny. Her medical advice was for me to go on hormone therapy. What a fucking quack–I’m a healthy 35 year old, I’m not taking synthetic hormones for the rest of my life. I never went back to her.
I can happily report that my testosterone is now better than ever, because with the help of a few very smart people (not doctors), I figured out a way to fix it naturally using megadosing of certain vitamins and certain specific dietary and lifestyle changes. But that is a long, long story, and definitely not one that is entertaining enough to tell in this book.
UPDATE: Tucker Max Fixes His Testosterone, Helps Others
At the end of the last story you just read, I wrote this:
“I can happily report that my testosterone is now better than ever, because with the help of a few very smart people (not doctors), I figured out a way to fix it naturally using megadosing of certain vitamins and certain specific dietary and lifestyle changes. But that is a long, long story, and definitely not one that is entertaining enough to tell in this book.”
I was going to cut that from the story, because quite honestly, not only is information about testosterone not funny, but even me mentioning that its not funny is well…not funny. And that was the point of my previous books, to be funny. I ended up leaving it in by accident, forgetting to cut it out because of a mistake in the copy-editing process.
Lo and behold, that insignificant paragraph has generated at least 5000 emails from guys asking what I did that worked. Or from women asking for their men.
I promised all of them that I’d write it up eventually, and I did. You can get the complete guide to how I fixed my testosterone naturally: