Hilarity Ensues In Stores

Order now on AmazonB&N, and iBooks.

Download Sloppy Seconds free on iBooks and Kindle. Full details here.

The Tucker Max Stories

The Date Application (the original post on TuckerMax.com)

This is the Date Application Form that was the original iteration of the site. It’s not a functioning form anymore, and please DO NOT cut and paste it into an email to send me. I won’t respond.

The Tucker Max Date Application

Your name:

Your email:

Your age:

Your sex: Female (This is non-negotiable. Sorry.)

Your occupation:

Where are you from?:

Where do you live now?:

Highest level of education completed/currently working towards:
high school diploma
high school equivalency (GED)
associates degree
bachelors degree
master’s degree
MBA/JD
Ph.D./MD/DMD
I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day
Jay Truck Driving School
what’s edumacation?
“When I grow up, I’m going to Bovine University!”

How did you find this page?:
Accidentally
Yahoo/Google
A friend told me
An enemy told me
You told me about your stupid page
I can smell your desperation from here
A scorching case of herpes led me here
God hates me
Blind hogs eventually find acorns
“I fell off the jungle gym and woke up in here.”

Why are you filling out this form?:
I want to ask you out. HA!
No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out
I don’t want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop
I’m putting in fake info to fuck with you
I’m horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill
This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair
It’s either this or jail time
This is helping me stop masturbating so much
I hate your fucking guts
“It says ‘I choo-choo-choose you,’ and it has a picture of a train.”

Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?:
Because I want to go on a date with you.
Do I need a reason? Isn’t is axiomatic?
I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.
You seem interesting
I think you’d be fun to get drunk with
I want to end up in one of your stories or future books
I feel strangely attracted to you
I hate myself
I’m one of those people who can’t divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me
I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self
I want to give my VD to someone else before I die
No, really, I enjoy having guys use me and treat me like shit
“Which one is oral?”

What is it that you find most attractive about me?:
Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
Your cute face and hot body
Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
Your constant use of foul, discourteous language
The way you show no regard for the feelings of others
The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth
You make me laugh
Your single-minded obsession with all things Tucker
I like how you never use deodorant. Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up
I don’t like myself, and I’m hoping you’ll treat me like a used-up stripper
Everything
“You’re deceptive.”

When would you like to go out with me?:
Whenever
When you are available
Hey, we’re on my schedule here, Date Boy
When your heart stops
As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg
When I get over my herpes and pink eye
After I suck off a Great Dane
How about never? Is never good for you?
“This is my sandbox, but I’m not allowed to go in the deep end.”

How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?:
I’m not very attractive
I’m cute
I’m cute enough for you, assface
I’m hot
If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed fat girls, you’ll LOVE me
I’m a butter face
I’m a Chicago girl (it means you have a hot face and a fat ass…and don’t email me pissed about this. You don’t think that 80% of cute women in Chicago fit this description? Ask any guy you know living in Chicago. If he’s honest, he’ll tell you the same thing. I blame the long winters. Why work out if bikini weather is only 4 months?)
The kids at school used to call out “Baaaby Ruuth” when I would walk by
No, really, I don’t think you understand: I am UG-LY
“Daddy says I’m ‘this close’ to living in the yard!”

How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:
I can read enough to answer this
I’m average
I’m smart enough to get your stupid jokes
I’m a fucking genius
I can bend things with my mind
I’m dumber than week-old bat shit
Who are you to question the intelligence of anyone else? Have you seen your webpage, idiot?
I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!
“Me fail English? That’s unpossible.”

How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:
I’m about average
I’m pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone
I’m very emotionally stable
I am a rock
I’m loonier than a shit-house rat
I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out
The doctor says he can’t increase my prescriptions anymore or he’d get in trouble
Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts
Why do you ask?!? Do you know something!?!? Who have you been talking too?!?
They mostly come at night. Mostly
“That’s where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things.”

What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:
My beautiful eyes
My sharp wit
My compassionate nature
My incredible intelligence
My huge breasts
I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl
My cottage cheese thighs
My sphincter can break a beer bottle
My matted pubic hair
My charming autism
My colostomy bag
My willingness to use sex to get what I want
My perfect landing strip
“The tar fumes are making me dizzy.”

What would you expect me to bring?:
Cheap flowers
Expensive champagne
Your A+ game
I like shiny things
A unquenchable libido
Astroglide
A shoehorn
Amniotic dysentery
A small, hairless Asian boy
Your enema bag collection
“And I want a bike and a monkey and a friend for the monkey.”

What will I do when I see you?:
smile
drool
start jumping up and down yelling “UH, UH, UH”
pretend you’re not Tucker Max
feign epilepsy
vomit uncontrollably
curse the anonymity of the Internet
run like a track star
run like a crack fiend
“I can’t breathe good and it’s making me sleepy.”

What will my friends say when they see you?:
“Wow, Tucker’s really lucky. I wish I was him.”
“Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem–he’s getting laid tonight.”
“She’s the hottest thing since nuclear fusion.”
“Tonight’s forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate humping.”
“My Lord–she smells like the fish market.”
“Well, she’s too ugly for him to date…$10 says he sleeps with her anyway.”
“I wouldn’t call her fat, but he’s gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this.”
“Oh shit…somebody call 911.”
“She’s just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money she cost him.”
“She’s just a cheap hooker. I wonder how much smack she cost him.”
“Should have been a blow job.”
“Her shade of lipstick looks like the color you’d find at the base of a penis.”
“Look at her…did she just get released from a methadone clinic?”
“Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake.”
Do your friends control your love life, you pussy?
“Daddy, I’m scared, too scared to even wet my pants.”

What should I wear?:
Something that says “derelict frat boy,” like khakis, a button down and a ratty hat
Something that says “I’m a rich, arrogant lawyer”, like a navy Hugo Boss suit and Hermes tie
Something that says “I’m Euro-trash, but at least I look good,” like black Armani pants and a tight Zegna shirt
Something that says “I ain’t got me no money,” like a burlap sack
Something that says “I’ve been on Cops,” like boxer shorts and a stained wife-beater
Something that says “ethnic,” like a dashiki and a fez
Something that says “I really don’t care”, like flip-flops, old jeans and logo t-shirt
Something that says “ghetto fabulous,” like a Fubu jersey and Karl Kani jeans
Something that says “retro Miami Vice,” like a peach colored polo shirt and white suit
Something that says “I shop at thrift stores,” like Dickie’s and a mechanic’s shirt
Something that says “1993 Jodeci video”, like a hot pink tank top and spandex shorts
Something that says “hip Militia Man”, like a Patagonia fleece over Kevlar body armor
Whatever you have that’s clean
Surprise me
Nothing at all
“Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.”

What will we do on our first date?:
Go to dinner and a movie
Mock those less fortunate than us
Argue, yell and possibly even fight
Fuck. What else would we do?
Try to cripple children
Go to a gentlemen’s club and try and pick up a stripper
Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk
Go to a gun range
Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk and go to a gun range with a stripper we picked up at a gentlemen’s club (…my personal choice)
Felch each other (…decidedly not my choice)
All of the above
None of the above
Some strange combination of the above
“Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren’t around and I’m not allowed to turn on the stove.”

What type of food will we eat, assuming we go to dinner?:
Italian
Chinese
American
Southwestern
Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone)
Light post-coital snack
Chick-fil-a
Who needs to eat if liquor is available?
I don’t eat–I’m a smack addict
Whatever we find in the dumpster
Nothing, I’m already too fat as it is
“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”

What will we drink? (we will be drinking…or at least I’ll be drinking):
champagne
beer
liquor
fine malt liquor
wine
wine in a box
fine apple wine
whatever is cheapest
whatever we can steal from homeless people
whatever we can make in your bathtub
I prefer hard drugs, thank you
“They taste like…burning!”

How much does it take to get you drunk?:
The smell of alcohol
A few beers
A few glasses of wine
A six-pack
A six-pack of Ripple
I can out drink a Wahoo
I can out drink an Irish Catholic
Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.
“My parent’s won’t let me use scissors.”

What will we talk about on our date?:
Me
You
Sex
Sex in public places
Butt sex
The sexual foibles of ex’s
The etiquette of group sex
What that slut at the next table is wearing
How our parents fucked us up beyond all repair
How much everyone around us sucks
The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory
The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex
The Iron Chef
Whether or not Scooby Doo is in fact a metaphor for hallucinogenic drug use
This web page
Flannery O’Connor’s use of symbolism
Herman Melville’s use of metaphor
Ron Jeremy’s use of irony
Lots of different things
“Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that’s why it was the best summer ever.”

I should compliment you by saying:
“You have incredible eyes.”
“That is the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”
“You are a very cool person.”
“Are you gonna finish that? Cause if not…”
“You’re ugly, but you intrigue me.”
“If you didn’t have such fat legs, you could be a model.”
“You know, they can fix your cleft lip. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock.”
“Good lord…was anyone else hurt in the accident?”
“That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes.”
“That’s the same perfume they put on my grandmother at her wake.”
“Did you fart? You farted, didn’t you?”
“I’d club a baby seal to get a second date with you.”
“I had no idea a woman could have such a large ass paired with such small breasts.”
“Can I pee on you?”
“You don’t sweat much for a fattie.”
“You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too.”
“Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.”

Finish this sentence: “I like a man that…
respects me.”
worships me.”
deifies me.”
likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye.”
treats me like shit.” (be honest…)
likes to hurt small animals.”
has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison.”
is uglier than me.”
is uglier than Lyle Lovett.”
is dumber than me.”
is dumber than Dan Quayle.”
makes toy cars out of his poop.”
won’t make fun of my club foot.”
“You look like my mommy after she drinks her box of wine.”

What will we do after dinner?:
Have coffee and dessert
Run out on the bill
Go dancing
Go to hell
Have a long and meaningful conversation
Throw the dishes on the floor and fuck on the table
Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle
Point out each others shortcomings (my personal choice)
Groping and pawing
Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a fucking man!
“Help! She’s touching my special area!”

How will the date end?:
Unpleasantly
An awkward silence
A noncommital hug
A sweet, tender kiss
Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex
Us planning for another date
Me pouring my heart out to you while you record it to put on your website
Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my porch
Me calling the cops to get you out of my house
You throwing flaming bags of dog poop at my porch
A nonspecific burning sensation
One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces
“Oh boy sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!”

If you made it this far, I’m sure you have something to say. If you want me to email you back, you need to write something here. Preferably something funny, intelligent, witty, etc.:

BONUS QUESTION:
The last option in every category is a quote from a famous television character. Name this character, and you will receive the fame and adoration of the people.
His name:

If you liked this story, consider buying a book: