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Assholes Finish First

Book Description

What do you do when you’ve become rich and famous for writing a #1 best-selling book about your drunken, sexual misadventures? I’ll tell you what I do: I write another fucking book.

This is that book. Assholes Finish First is hilarious in ways you will recognize from I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, and in other, newer ways you won’t. Of course it has all the sex and debauchery you expect from my writing, but with a twist. You already know how I deal with women when I am poor and anonymous. You have no idea how I do it when I have money and fame.

It also answers the hard questions you’ve never thought of asking. What’s it like to have sex with a midget? How about two of ‘em? What happens when you eat too much beef jerky and then drink a gallon of vegetable juice? Or get head in an X-ray machine? The answers are inside, they are absurd, and they are the product of one man’s experiences:

My name is still Tucker Max, and I am still an asshole.

Table of Contents

  • Tucker Goes to Campout, Owns Duke Nerds
  • The Sex Stories, Part 2
    • Whoredentification
    • Reduce, Recycle, Reuse
    • The Shittiest Hookup Ever
    • Tucker and His First MILF
    • Not Another Teen Hookup
    • Burn, Baby, Burn!
    • I’m a Zit, Get It?
    • Head Doctor
    • Earth First
  • The Capitol City Clown Crawl
  • The DC Halloween Party and the Worst Girl I Ever Fucked
  • The Tucker Max Experience
  • The Tucker Max Sexual To-Do List
  • Everybody Fails
    • Everything Goes Wrong
    • The Oversell
    • Hello, Nurse
    • My 21st Birthday
  • Fucked-up Pillow Talk, Part 2
  • The TuckerFest Story
  • The Post-Fame Sex Stories
  • The Tattoo Stories
    • Aren’t You Lucky?
    • Lucky + You
    • Time Flies When You’re Fucking Tatted-up Whores
    • Next-Level Shit
  • I Want to Cum Get a Load!
    • PoopLips
    • I’m Not That Type of Girl
    • Nils and the Pepperdine D-Girl
  • The Things I Put Up with for Pussy
    • Too Old for This Shit
    • Why You Don’t Fuck USC Girls
    • Whoring for Charity
  • Baby Mama Drama
  • The Virginity Paradox
    • Don’t Fuck with Jack LaLanne
    • Strict Liability
  • The Tucker Max SeX-Ray
  • Hot, Sane, Single
    • The Fresno Vet
    • Wilfred Brimley’s Daughter
    • LA Girls Have Their Own Category
  • Tucker Max: Baby Killer
  • The Midgets Strike Back
  • I Fucked Tucker Max!
    • The Penn State Lemondrop Girl
    • Texts from Tucker Max’s Night
    • The Handprint Story
    • Objectification
  • Good Game, Great Game, and No Game
  • Prelude to Hilarity Ensues
  • Bonus Section: Other Perspectives from the People Who Were There