Like I explained on Monday, our distribution strategy is a typical indie one: 125 screens the first weekend, 300 or so the second, then wide expansion into about 2000 by the third weekend, which will cover the whole country.

This will mean that for some of you, the movie won't be getting to your city for two or three more weeks. This sucks, but please understand why we are doing it this way: It's because this is how we have to do it in order to give the movie the best chance of success given the money we have to distribute it. You can read my explanation of it here, or read what the LA Times or New York Magazine says about it.

Because Nils and I believed so much in this movie, we did a 31 city premiere tour and stood in front of 15,000 of our fans, showed them the movie, answered their questions, took pictures with them, and sometimes even got drunk with them. And the response from those fans has been overwhelmingly positive. The people who have ACTUALLY SEEN the movie love it. You can go to the movie's Facebook fan page, or my Facebook fan page, or all the YouTube videos, or any other place, and see what real people who went to premieres say about it.

Go see this movie. At the very least, you will laugh a lot and you will definitely see the most epic shit scene in movie history. And if you are like most people so far, you will love the movie, and want to go back and see it again. I have never lied to or deceived my fans, and I am not about to start now:

You have my word that "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" the movie will be worth the price of admission.

This the complete list of opening weekend theaters (clicking on the link will take you to the page where you can buy tickets):

Crossgates Cinemas 18
Albany, NY
120 Washington Ave. Exit Crossgate Mall (lower level) Albany, NY 12203

Walden Galleria Stadium 16
Cheektowaga, NY
1 Walden Galleria Drive Cheektowaga, NY 14225

AMC Empire 25 Theaters
New York, NY
234 West 42nd Street New York, NY 10036

Union Square Stadium 14
New York, NY
850 Broadway New York, NY 10003

Criterion Cinemas 7
New Haven, CT
86 Temple Street New Haven, CT 06510

Harvard Square 1-5
Cambridge, MA
10 Church Street Cambridge, MA 02138

Providence Place 16
Providence, RI
Providence Place Mall Providence, RI 02903

Plymouth Meeting 12
Plymouth Meeting, PA
Plymouth Meeting Mall 500 Germantown Pike Plymouth Meeting, PA 19462-1310

Saucon Valley Cinemas 10
Bethlehem, PA
3696 Route 378 Bethlehem, PA 18015

Riverview Plaza 17
Philadelphia, PA 1400
S. Delaware Ave. Philadelphia, PA 19147

Waterfront 22
West Homestead, PA
300 West Waterfront Drive West Homestead, PA 15120

Premiere College 9 Cinemas
State College, PA
3031 Carnegie Drive State College, PA 16803

Union Station 9
Washington, DC
50 Massachusetts Avenue NE Washington, DC 20002-4214

Royale 14
Hyattsville, MD
6505 American Blvd Hyattsville, MD 20782

Carmike Six
Charlottesville, VA
1803 Seminole Trail, Charlottesville, VA 22901-1129

New River Valley Stadium 14
Christiansburg, VA
110 New River Road Christiansburg, VA 24073

Harrisonburg 14
Harrisonburg, VA
381 University Blvd. Harrisonburg, VA 22801

Portage 16
Portage, IN
6550 US Highway 6
Portage, IN 46368

600 North Michigan Ave.
Chicago, IL
600 North Michigan Ave. Chicago, IL 60611

The Country Club Hills 16
Country Club Hills, IL
4201 W 167th Street Country Club Hills, IL 60478

Crestwood Theatre 18
Crestwood, IL
13221 Rivercrest Drive Crestwood, IL 60445

Quarry Cinemas 14
Hodgkins, IL
9201 63rd Street Hodgkins, IL 60525

Yorktown 17
Lombard, IL
80 Yorktown Shopping Center Lombard, IL 60148

AMC Randhurst 16
Mt. Prospect, IL
101 East Euclid Avenue Mt. Prospect, IL 60055

AMC Loews at Woodfield 20
Schaumburg, IL
601 N. Martingale Rd. Suite 105 Schaumburg, IL 60173

AMC South Barrington 30
South Barrington, IL
175 Studio Drive South Barrington, IL 60010

Cantera 30
Warrenville, IL
28250 Diehl Road Warrenville, IL 60555

AMC Loews Woodridge 18
Woodridge, IL
10000 Woodward Ave. Woodridge, IL 60517

Beverly Cinemas 18
Champaign, IL
910 Meijer Dr. Champaign, IL 61821

Century Evanston 12
Evanston, IL
1715 Maple Avenue Evanston, IL 60201

Randall 16
Batavia, IL
550 N. Randall Road Batavia, IL 60510

Savoy 16
Savoy, IL
232 W. Burwash Savoy, IL 61874

Cinema 12 Theatre
Carpentersville, IL
100 Besinger Drive Carpentersville, IL 60110

Charlestown 18
St. Charles, IL
3740 East Main Street St. Charles, IL 60174

Showplace 12
Bolingbrook, IL
1221 W. Boughton Road Bolingbrook, IL 60440-1509

Webster Place 11
Chicago, IL
1471 W. Webster Ave. Chicago, IL 60614

Lake in the Hills 12
Lake in the Hills, IL
311 N. Randall Road Lake in the Hills, IL 60102-7067

Showplace 16
Naperville, IL
2815 Showplace Drive Naperville, IL 60564

Showplace 14
New Lenox, IL
1320 W. Maple St. New Lenox, IL 60451

Village Crossing 18
Skokie, IL
7018 Carpenter Road Skokie, IL 60077

Rivertree Court Theatre
Vernon Hills, IL
701 N. Milwaukee #244 Vernon Hills, IL 60061

Showplace 16
Schererville, IN
875 Deercreek Drive Schererville, IN 46375

Addison Cinemas 21
Addison, IL
1555 West Lake Street Addison, IL 60101

Gurnee Mills 20
Gurnee, IL
6144 Grand Avenue Gurnee, IL 60031

Orland Park Cinemas 14
Orland Park, IL
16350 S. LaGrange Rd. Orland Park, IL 60467

Rosemont 18
Rosemont, IL
9701 Bryn Mawr Ave. Rosemont, IL 60018

Showplace 16
Crystal Lake, IL
5000 W. Route 14 Crystal Lake, IL 60014

Lincolnshire 20
Lincolnshire, IL
300 Parkway Drive Lincolnshire, IL 60069

Round Lake Beach 18
Round Lake Beach, IL
550 East Rollins Road Round Lake Beach, IL 60073

University Place 8
Carbondale, IL
1370 E. Main Street Carbondale, IL 62902

AMC Lennox Town Center 24
Columbus, OH
777 Kinnear Road Columbus, OH 43212

Easton Towne Center 30
Columbus, OH
275 Easton Towne Center Columbus, OH 43219

Baxter Avenue 8
Louisville, KY
1250 Baxter Ave Mid City Mall Louisville, KY 40204

Cinemark 16
Lexington, KY
3800 Mall Rd. Lexington, KY 40503

Athena Grand 11
Athens, OH
1008 East State Street Athens, OH 45701

Gateway 8
Columbus, OH
1550 N. High St. Columbus, OH 43201

Sycamore 12
Iowa City, IA
1602 Sycamore St. Iowa City, IA 52240

Grand Cinema 14
Lincoln, NE
1101 "P" Street Lincoln, NE 68508

Quality 16
Ann Arbor, MI
3686 Jackson Road Ann Arbor, MI 48103

Celebration Cinema 19
Lansing, MI
200 East Edgewood Boulevard Lansing, MI 48911

Showcase Cinemas Ann Arbor 20
Ypsilanti, MI
4100 Carpenter Rd. Ypsilanti, MI 48197-9648

NCG Eastwood Cinema 18
Lansing, MI
2500 Showtime Drive Lansing, MI 48912

Eastside 10
Lafayette, IN
300 N. Farabee Drive Lafayette, IN 47905

Showplace East 11
Bloomington, IN
1351 College Mall Road Bloomington, IN 47408

Southwind 12
Lawrence, KS
3433 Iowa Street Lawrence, KS 66046

Ronnie's 20
St. Louis, MO
5320 South Lindbergh Blvd. St. Louis, MO 63126

Hollywood Stadium 14
Columbia, MO
Stadium & Highway 63 Columbia, MO 65201

Mayfair Mall 18
Wauwatosa, WI
2500 North Mayfair Road Wauwatosa, WI 53226

Kerasotes Star 18 and IMAX
Fitchburg, WI
6091 McKee Road Fitchburg, WI 53719

Marcus Point Cinemas 16
Madison, WI
7825 Big Sky Drive Madison, WI 53719

Crown Theatre 15 at Block E
Minneapolis, MN
600 Hennepin Avenue South Minneapolis, MN 55402

Hollywood 16 Cinemas
Tuscaloosa, AL
4250 Old Greensboro Rd. Tuscaloosa, AL 35405

Wynnsong 16
Auburn, AL
2111 E. University Ave. Auburn, AL 36830-3334

Wynnsong 16
Albany, GA
2823 Nottingham Road Albany, GA 31707-1284

Mansell Crossing 14 Theatres
Alpharetta, GA
7730 North Point Parkway, Alpharetta, GA 30022

Carmike 12
Athens, GA
1570 Lexington Rd., Athens, GA 30605-2325

Atlantic Station Stadium 16
Atlanta, GA
371 17th Street NW Atlanta, GA 30363

Hollywood 24@ N. I-85
Chamblee, GA
3265 N.E. Expressway Access Chamblee, GA 30341

Pinnacle Stadium 18
Knoxville, TN
11240 Parkside Drive Knoxville, TN 37922

Green Hills 16
Nashville, TN
3815 Greenhills Village Drive, Nashville, TN 37215

Raleigh Grand 16
Raleigh, NC
4840 Grove Barton Road, Raleigh, NC 27613

Southpoint Cinemas 16
Durham, NC
8030 Renaissance Parkway Durham, NC 27713

Stonecrest @ Piper Glen 22
Charlotte, NC
7824 Rea Road Charlotte, NC 28277

Columbiana Grande 14
Columbia, SC
1250 Bower Parkway Columbia, SC 29210

AMC Parks @ Arlington 18
Arlington, TX
3861 South Cooper Street Arlington, TX 76015

Studio 30 Theatres - Houston
Houston, TX
2949 Dunvale Houston, TX 77063

Greenway Grand Palace Stadium 24 Cinemas
Houston, TX
3839 Weslayan Street Houston, TX 77046

Tinseltown 17 - Austin
Austin, TX
5501 S. IH 35 Austin, TX 78744

Dobie Theatre
Austin, TX
2025 Guadalupe Street #268 Austin, TX 78705

Gateway 16
Austin, TX 9700
Stonelake Blvd. Austin, TX 78759

Keystone Park Theatre 16
Dallas, TX
13933 N. Central Expwy Dallas, TX 75243

AMC Universal Cineplex 20
Orlando, FL
6000 Universal Blvd. Orlando, FL 32819

Sunset Place 24 Theatres
South Miami, FL
5701 Sunset Drive, Suite 300 South Miami, FL 33143

Cobb Dolphin Cinema 19
Miami, FL
Dolphin Mall 11471 NW 12th Street Miami, FL 33172

South Beach 18
Miami Beach, FL
1120 Lincoln Road Miami Beach, FL 33139

AMC Tallahassee Mall 20
Tallahassee, FL
2415 North Monroe Street Tallahassee, FL 32303

Veterans Expressway 24
Tampa, FL
9302 Anderson Road Tampa, FL 33634

Gainesville Cinema 14
Gainesville, FL
Butler Plaza 3101 SW 35th Blvd. Gainesville, FL 32608

Waterford Lakes 20
Orlando, FL
541 North Alafaya Trail Orlando, FL 32828

Rave Motion Pictures Baton Rouge 16
Baton Rouge, LA
16040 Hatters Ave., Baton Rouge, LA 70816

Mall of Louisiana 15
Baton Rouge, LA
9168 T Picardy Ave Baton Rouge, LA 70836

Carmike 10
Stillwater, OK
1909 N. Perkins Rd. Stillwater, OK 74075-2976

Spotlight 14
Norman, OK
1100 North Interstate Drive Norman, OK 73072

Century 16
Boulder, CO
1700 26th St. Boulder, CO 80302

La Jolla 12
La Jolla, CA
8657 Villa La Jolla Drive, La Jolla, CA 92037

Mission Valley 20
San Diego, CA
1640 Camino del Rio North San Diego, CA 92108

Horton Plaza 14
San Diego, CA
475 Horton Plaza San Diego, CA 92101

Broadway Cinemas 4
Santa Monica, CA
1441 3rd St. Promenade Santa Monica, CA 90401

Burbank 16
Burbank, CA
125 Palm Avenue Burbank, CA 91502

Irvine Spectrum 21 Megaplex Cinemas
Irvine, CA
65 Fortune Drive Irvine, CA 92618

Mann Chinese 6
Hollywood, CA
6801 Hollywood Blvd. Suite 335 Hollywood, CA 90028

Fiesta 5
Santa Barbara, CA
916 State St. Santa Barbara, CA 93101

Sony Theatres Metreon 15
San Francisco, CA
101 Fourth Street Yerba Buena Gardens San Francisco, CA 94103

Shattuck Cinemas 10
Berkeley, CA
2230 Shattuck Avenue Berkeley, CA 94704

Century El Con 20 Theatre
Tucson, AZ
3601 East Broadway Tucson, AZ 85716

Tempe Marketplace 16
Tempe, AZ
2000 E. Rio Salado Parkway Tempe, AZ 85281

Valley River Center Stadium 15
Eugene, OR
500 Valley River Center, Eugene, OR 97401

Bridgeport Village Stadium 18
Tigard, OR
7329 SW Bridgeport Road, Tigard, OR 97224

Alderwood 16
Lynnwood, WA
18601 33rd Avenue West Lynnwood, WA 98037

Metro Cinemas
Seattle, WA
4500 9th Avenue NE Seattle, WA 98105

Meridian 16
Seattle, WA
1501 7th Avenue Seattle, WA 98101

The theaters below also have Thursday Midnight showings:

Harkins Tempe Marketplace
Tempe, AZ

AMC Theaters Sunset Place
Miami, FL

Carolina Cinemas - Raleigh Grand
Raleigh, NC

NCG Eastwood Cinemas
Lansing, MI

AMC Loews Theatres at Streets of Woodfield
Schaumburg, IL

-Chicago for opening weekend: We have the most theaters in the Chicagoland area the first weekend because that it is our expansion test area. And yes, Nils and I will be in Chicago for opening weekend, and Friday night we will be at Faith and Whiskey, Saturday, we'll be at McFaddens. Details tomorrow.

-Canadian Release: Our Canadian distributor has decided to do the Canadian release in two weeks. I think this is stupid, but like I have explained 100 times, we have no control over foreign distribution. In ANY country.

-Other foreign release: Again, we have no control over foreign release at all. None. They can go day and date, they can wait a year, they can just send it straight to DVD, they can do anything they want. That is the way foreign release work, and asking me about when they are coming out is pointless. I don't know and it's not up to me. If you live outside the US and are desperate to see the movie and can't find the release date in your country, then just pirate the movie and watch it online. I am serious. I have no issue with that.

There are 31 total stops on the I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Premiere Tour, and we have successfully completed 16 of them. We're over the halfway hump, but by no means are we coasting to the finish. We still have the LA premiere, which is going to be big, and all the midwest stops, which should be super fun. Anyway, we have some updates and announcements for the next two weeks:

-Extra tickets: I keep getting emails about tickets for sold out shows, and I keep telling people the same thing:

"At every show we held back a few tickets for press, and sometimes some of those go unused. Also, at every premiere there are a few no-shows, people who buy tickets but don't make it. Because of this, if you don't have tickets but want to come to the premiere, then get to the theater at like 530 or 6, put your name on the wait list, and most of the time you will get in. In fact, less than half the premieres so far have been standing room only. Most end up with at least two or three seats unused, so stop by and chances are you'll get in."

-Opening Weekend in Chicago: The movie opens on September 25th, and that day, me, Nils and a few other people will be in Chicago. The final premiere is September 24th in San Francisco, we are taking the red eye out that night and I am doing some morning TV and radio press in Chicago that morning, then we are going to a couple showings during the day, and that Friday night we will be hosting a party at a bar. Should be cool, details forthcoming.

-Where the movie is opening: The list of cities we are opening in and the links to buy tickets for opening weekend are coming soon. I will post as soon as possible.

-Merchandise: I never really officially announced this, but since people keep asking, I will talk about it: We are selling the merch we give away at the screenings on the website. We have some pretty cool shirts and what not, but my favorite is the beer pong kit. It's a pitcher, 25 black cups, and 2 ping pong balls, all with I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell on them. People are loving them.

-Free Beer Pong Kits: Speaking of beer pong kits, since people are loving these so much, we've decided to give 1000 of them away as a promotional tool. To get one, it's very simple: Take a picture of you and your friends with a copy of my book in front of whatever place it is you plan to use the beer pong kit; your fraternity, your sorority, your Army barracks, your backyard, your favorite bar, basically anywhere you can play beer pong. Then post that picture on someone's Facebook account, and add it to the I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Facebook Fanpage. Once you do that, you will get messaged by my assistant, Ian Claudius, asking for your address. Give it to him, and the beer pong kit will arrive in 1-3 weeks. Pretty simple, but we only have 1000 to give away. Once they are gone, that's it.

-Recap of the tour: Here is a recap of every write-up of mine and video from each of the 16 first stops. I just went through and looked at all of this again, and I gotta say: There is some really funny shit in here. If you haven't looked at this stuff yet, at the very least, check out the recaps and videos with an asterisk** on them, they are the best ones:

Premiere #16: Toronto [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #15: New York City [Tucker's recap] [Video recap**]

Premiere #14: Boston [Tucker's recap**] [Video recap]

Premiere #13: Philadelphia [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #12: State College [Tucker's recap**] [Video recap]

Premiere #11: College Park [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #10: Washington DC [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #9: Blacksburg [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #8: Raleigh [Tucker's recap] [Video recap**]

Special Bonus: The SeX-ray Video***

Premiere #7: Columbia [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 2

Premiere #6: Gainesville [Tucker's recap**] [Video recap]

Premiere #5: Tallahassee [Tucker's recap] [Video recap**]

Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 1

Premiere #4: Athens [Tucker's recap**] [Video recap**]

Premiere #3: Atlanta [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #2: Seattle [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

After a long wait, the official green band trailer for the "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" movie is up, watch it now.

We are also doing a Premiere Tour leading up to the September 25th release of the movie. You can buy tickets here. What the Premiere Tour is:

Instead of just doing one boring premiere in LA like every movie does, we are going to do 31 premieres, in 31 different cities all around the country, one each day leading up to the opening weekend. The local Premiere's won't just be the screening and that's it--we are going to have cool swag bags included in the price of the ticket, Nils and I will be at EVERY stop and do a Q&A after each show, and we will stick around and sign anything you want and take pictures, and we'll even have after parties in some cities--it'll be just like a real premiere, except there will be 31 of them (and no lame ass red carpet). Here is the list of dates and cities:

Aug 11--Portland, OR
Aug 12--Seattle, WA

Aug 19--Atlanta, GA
Aug 20--Athens, GA
Aug 21-[Off day]
Aug 22--Knoxville, TN
Aug 23--Tallahassee, FL
Aug 24--Gainesville, FL
Aug 25--Columbia, SC
Aug 26--Raleigh/Durham
Aug 27--Blacksburg, VA
Aug 28--Washington DC/Northern Virginia
Aug 29--[Off Day]
Aug 30--College Park, MD
Aug 31--State College, PA
Sep 1--Philadelphia, PA
Sep 2--Boston, MA
Sep 3--NYC
Sep 4--Toronto, CA

Sep 5,6,7--Labor Day Break

Sep 8--East Lansing, MI
Sep 9--Columbus, OH
Sep 10--Lexington, KY
Sep 11--Bloomington, IN
Sep 12--Chicago, IL
Sep 13--Madison, WI
Sep 14--Minneapolis, MN
Sep 15--Iowa City, IA
Sep 16--Lawrence, KS
Sep 17--Norman, OK
Sep 18--Austin, TX
Sep 19--[Off Day]
Sep 20--Tempe, AZ
Sep 21--Los Angeles, CA
Sep 22--[Press Day in LA]
Sep 23--San Diego, CA
Sep 24--San Francisco, CA
Sep 25--Nationwide release

Buy premiere tour tickets here

FINALLY!

No one has been waiting for this longer than me:

The movie I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell opens for wide release on September 25th, 2009.

Put it on your calender, write it down in pen, that is our opening date. It's not going to change.

Now to the obvious questions:

-How does this affect The IHTSBIH Premiere Tour?
Since lots of schools start in mid-August, we are going to start the tour in late August and run it all the way up to the release, and maybe even a week or two past the release. We are figuring where we are stopping and when right now, and will post that info ASAP.

-How many theaters/screens?
No idea. We may do a slow roll out, and hit the 50 major markets first before going super wide. We may just go straight wide. This will be figured out in the next few weeks, but if you live near a big city or college town, you should be covered fine from the get go.

-When does the marketing start?
You mean aside from the marketing I've been doing for over a year on this blog and other places? Well, you will see a media push start about a month out, and the big media dump about ten days out from release. Commercials, print ads, billboards, all that shit starts light in August, and gets heavier as we get closer to September 25th.

-When is the trailer coming out?
Start to ask about it again on July 4th--if it's not out by then, we missed our internal deadline to have it done. Hopefully this will be the first deadline we hit on time.

I am so fucking excited. Goddamn I have waited for this moment--locking down a release date is so fucking important in so many ways. I've been like a thoroughbred in the starting gate, chomping at my bit and anxious to go, and the gates just opened.

119 days to the finish line.

Awesome.

Comment and discuss

You are not going to believe this. I can still barely believe it, and I was there.

I did a speech at Ohio State on Monday, and it was bedlam. The auditorium was completely packed with fans--that's normal--but for the first time ever, I had real protesters. And not just a few, like almost 100, and they went fucking nuts. It was AWESOME!

But this was bigger than just having people pissed at me and getting attention. I get that shit on the internet and in the media all the time. This was one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me, because for the first time, I crossed over from cult figure to celebrity. You can tell in the video that I am kinda astonished at the beginning--on stage, watching that insanity play out, it dawned on me that my life had permanently changed. There were so many people there--both fans and protesters--the cops had to escort me out the back because they were afraid a riot would start. That's insane. This is the type of shit that only happens to famous people. Someone else said it best:

"Feminazis holding signs? Angry hipster-emo dudes wearing granny-glasses at an anti-Tucker rally? Police escorts? Max is now an official rockstar. God help us all."

The media:

-Video of the beginning of the speech where the protesters keep interrupting me and I mock them

-Video of the protesters before the speech, after the speech outside the auditorium, and later out on the street

-If you can watch this video and not bust out laughing the moment you see the woman protesting me, you are a better person than I.

-A news story about the protest complete with awesome picture

-Another piece about the speech, that outlines what I said.

-Some video of the protesters that someone else took

-The video of the content of my actual speech, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and the Q&A part 1 and part 2.

-Scan of the handout given to people coming into the speech

-A longer piece that outlines the background issues in this controversy


What's really fucked up for my fans was that I had cleared it with the OSU administration and I was going to do a secret screening of the movie instead of this speech. I was going to essentially premiere the movie for this audience. But because of the protests and other bullshit, the administration balked and asked me to just do the speech instead.

Man, this movie is going to get so much fucking attention. I am so excited.

EDIT: Apparently, some people are having problems hearing the audio for the speech. We added captions in as many places as we could, but a lot of the crowd noise, we just can't hear what the protestors are saying. Here is the full text of my speech, if you just want to read it and not watch the videos:

The Ohio State Speech

If you're here today, I assume you know who I am and what I do. But for that ONE asshole in the crowd who got dragged along with his friends doesn't know who I am, I'll give a brief intro:

My name is Tucker Max and I wrote a book called I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. It details a series of short stories I wrote about drinking and fucking and being a typical guy in his mid-twenties. It's sold over 800k copies and spent over 105 weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List (for the Comm majors: that's more than two years). It's #4 this week, actually. The Times also credited me with starting a new literary genre called "Fratire." The followup book was sold for what was then record setting advance. The Washington Post said it was the only book that every college student has read. It has become so popular I was just nominated to Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People of 2009. I also just finished shooting a movie based on the book which will come out this fall, probably September or October.

That's the story you know, the Tucker Max the public sees. And based off that, if I give a speech, you probably expect me to tell funny stories like the ones in the book, because that's what Tucker Max does, right?

Well, yeah, actually it is. I mean, shit man, I've fucked a midget, and amputee and a set of twins, raise your hand if you've ever done that! There's no question that when I am out drinking with my friends and have fun, that's me, and that's who I am, and those stories are what are in the book.

BUT---That's not what this speech is about.

You can read all about my adventures on your own time. This speech is about the book, but instead of being about the stories, it's about the lesson I think you should take from I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.

Now, if you just superficially read the book, probably all you focus on is the drinking and fucking and poop jokes, and while those are there, they are only the first level of meaning. There's more to the book than that. Below all of that is my answer to the fundamental question--What are you going to with your life? Ultimately, THAT is what I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell is about:

It's about living the life that you want to live, not the life others push onto you. It's about being the person you want to be, not the person other people want you to be, and it's about enoying the time you have. I convey this message not by preaching it to you, but by showing you how I do it.

I know what you may be thinking, and I actually kinda agree with you: This is not obvious in my reading. All I read was some guy throwing a girls clothes out the window b/c she was so fat he didn't want his friends to see her. And that's true, that's all there, but there's more to the book than that.

So what I'm going to do is give you some back story to my life and explain the path that led me to write this book, because to understand where I came from is to understand the message of the book:

As a kid, I had an early knack for humor and writing. There was one elementary school teacher in particular who identified it and tried to foster it in me. I also had another teacher in high school who kinda helped me see that I had a talent for writing and told me to pursue it, but I grew up in Kentucky. No one growing up in Kentucky writes or does entertainment for a living. Everyone else around me pushed me to a different path.

Growing up, the expectations around me where that I would be a doctor or a lawyer or a businessman or something that is a typical and easy to understand success like that. So I listened to the people around me and went to hardest academic school I could find to best prepare me for a conventional job: The University of Chicago.

But a funny thing happened as I studied to get that conventional job: I kept writing on my own time. Never because I thought it would go anywhere, but because I loved it.

My freshman year, I started a quote list because one day after I said something really funny at the dinner table, I thought "someone should write that down," so I did it. I started to think about things I said, and began to try to deliver the best line I could in any situation, so I could have something funny to put on my list.

I also wrote a column for the schools newspaper, The Maroon. The thing I hated about the school newspaper is that if someone wants to read about serious world affairs, they'll read what the NY Times or the Wall Street Journal says--no one gives a shit about what some idiot 19 year old has to say about world affairs--shut the fuck up.

So instead of being one of those pompous hard-ons, I looked around at the world I lived in and I wrote about that world, calling out specific people and organizations at my school, really not much different than how I write now, just a different subject matter.

Well, the thing blew up. My column became the most read feature the Maroon had produced in as long as anyone could remember. I was a mini-celeb on campus, always causing controversy and getting attention, and even though I graduated top 10% of my class and with highest honors, that column and my quote list are still the things I am most proud of from college.

It came time to figure out what I was going to do after college, for a second I thought about the entertainment business, or something with writing--after all, there was proof I had talent. But this time it took my parents and the other people around me even less time to convince me to not do that, because by then I had really bought into the system, and I let them convince me that to be a writer you had to take writing classes and that being a writer was not an acceptable way to succeed.

So I pushed the thought of writing completely out of my head, and I took their advice and I went to Duke Law School. I even got an academic scholarship to go there.

Well, I hated law school. Not because it was hard, but because it was so easy and boring and pointless. Don't ever let anyone tell you its hard. It's not. The only hard part is getting in. I stopped going to class first semester, stopped buying books second semester, and lived in Cancun for six weeks once during my second year.

But, despite the fact that I couldn't stand the actual school, I really liked my time there because of my friends. I finally had friends who were not only as smart as me, they partied harder than me, and were funnier than me. If you've read my stories, you know them by their nicknames; SlingBlade, PWJ, Jojo, GoldenBoy, Hate, etc.

Amazing friends, no real responsibilities, and lots of alcohol and women around. A lot of the stories from my book are from this time in my life, because I was living a life that l loved--doing things I enjoyed and being with people I liked, and it showed.

Maybe because of this, because I wasn't doing anything besides being the person I'd always wanted to be, writing came back to me with a strength it hadn't in a long time.

During finals second year, SlingBlade and I were punch drunk in the library after being up all night procrastinating instead of studying, and on a whim I made up a website where girls could fill out an application to date me.

Even though it started a joke, I found myself devoting all my time to it. In one month, I put more work into that crappy little site than I did in all my actual studies over all three years of law school.

Here's the real kicker: Because I thought it didn't matter, because I was totally unencumbered by any expectations--because I was free to fail--I let loose on that thing, and my creative energy came forth in way it hadn't since I was a child. It turned out to be truly, genuinely fucking funny.

Yet despite all this work, despite how happy I was working on site, it never occurred to me that this was a sign of something. I was so blind that a few months later, when we went to our summer jobs in cities all across the country, I took the site down and basically forgot about it. The thing that had brought out the best in me, I ignored. I was completely blind to myself.

But I did keep up with my writing by sending hilarious emails to my friends about all the dumb shit I would do when I was out drinking. If you've read my book, you read one of those emails I sent to my friends. It's in the Charity Auction Debacle Story, the one where I talk about the senior female partner who propositioned me and I turned her down--pretty much the only sex I've ever turned down in my life. You know what comes next...

I was fired from the summer associate job.

What was supposed to basically be an extended summer vacation, essentially a no-show job that you can't get fired from...I got fired from.

Three weeks into my legal career, it was over.

Looking back on it now, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. If they hadn't fired me, I don't think I ever would have had the courage to quit being a lawyer, to give up that six figure job and pursue my dreams on my own. But at the time, I was completely devastated. My world was crushed.

Thankfully I did have a back-up plan: I could go work for my father. Since I had trained my whole life for either law or business, if I can't do law, I'll just do business, right? My dad owns a successful restaurant company in South Florida, and I had a great idea for how to expand the concept and take it national, so let's do that.

At first, the challenge of the business and the thrill of something new invigorated me. My dad has a great restaurant concept and we had a fantastic plan to expand it, but there was so much wrong with the way it was run, I had all kinds of problems to solve first.

The biggest were the employees. I wanted to fire most of the people who worked for my dad because they were either incompetent suck-ups or brazen thieves. I thought that because I was right and my name was on the door, my dad would back me. I was still young enough to think that being right was what mattered. You guys are probably still young enough to think that, but you'll learn your lesson. Long story short, the employees were better at office politics than I was, and my dad ended up backing them.

I got fired. By my own father. From the FAMILY BUSINESS.

Seriously, go to Mizner Park in Boca Raton, Florida. There is a restaurant called Max's Grill. My dad is in there 5 nights a week, you can ask him about it. Now that I'm such a success, he may hem and haw and make excuses, but make no mistake about it:

My own father fired me.

So there I was. 26 years old. Alone. Living in shitty Boca Raton, Florida. Fucking girls I couldn't stand, like Miss Vermont. Fired from the entire legal profession. Fired from the family business by my own father. I had failed miserably at the only two things I had trained for in my life. Kicked out of the system I had bought into.

The funny thing is, I was still writing, and not having a job let me read a lot and work on my writing, but I was so brainwashed, it STILL didn't occur to me that I could just be who I wanted to be and write full time.

It was actually in this period that I wrote the Sushi Pants Story--it ends with me drunk, and I drive to my office and type that story to email to my friends. Whats really funny is that the format I use, the time stamp format, people have lauded me as being a genius for inventing that, but thats bullshit. You know why I wrote it like that? Because I was too drunk to write in complete sentences!

Then, with my world as bleak as it had ever been, three things happened right in a row:

First, I read a book called AHBWOSG by Dave Eggers. At the time it was hailed as a comedic masterpiece, and Eggers was seen as the next big thing in literature. I read the book and thought, "What the fuck? I can do better than this." But instead of manning up and attempting to actually write a better book, I did what all envious people who abandon their dreams do when they see someone succeed where they are afriad of trying: I hated on him.

Then, my buddy PWJ called me one day, and had a long talk with me. He told me that the site was amazing, and that my stories are the funniest thing he'd ever read. That I could be a writer.

Hearing this from someone else, especially from a guy who I respected, meant something to me. Tucker Max as writer.

I wanted it, I considered it, but I still couldn't make the leap. I was still having trouble wrapping my head around the idea of taking the path less traveled. I had bought into the system so fully, and abandoned my passion for so long, I no longer believed in it or in myself. It just didn't seem realistic that I could do it.

Then I read Fight Club. If there is any one singular event that I can point to that set me on the course to who and what I am today, it is reading Fight Club. It woke something primal and fundamental in me.

I had seen the movie when I was in college, but until you have gone out into the world and worked a shitty job and thought to yourself, "Is this it? Is this why I went to school? For this?", you can't understand it. But once I read the book after the real world kicked me in the teeth, it clicked. It gave voice to something inside me I had not been able to elucidate before:

I had been sold a lie. Life was not about going to the right schools and getting the right jobs just so I work a job I hate in order to accumulate more crap I don't want or need. That's not how life was meant to be lived. There is another way. I can be the man I want to be, I can do the things I want to do and I can live the life I want to live...I just have to stop believing the lies I have been sold, and stop caring what all those people think who don't matter, and find the courage to go out and do it.

The only thing stopping me...is ultimately me.

One month later, I went to a wedding in Chicago. I stayed with a buddy of mine who had just bought a two bedroom condo, and one of the bedrooms empty. I made a joke about wishing I lived with him, he replied "Sure, you can live here, why not?"

I never went back to Florida. The funniest part is that he was totally not serious about the offer--who the fuck would want to live with me? Disaster--empty beer cans, emotionally broken, funny walking sluts trapsing through the apartment at all hours, strange odors coming from unknown places--who wants to live with that? I don't even want to live with myself.

On the morning of August 4th, 2002, I sat down at a blank computer screen and started working. It wasn't even my computer--I had to get my roommate to let me borrow his. I had no money, nothing of value to my name, and no real plan at all. But I wanted to fucking write, so I just started writing.

A month later, on September 9th, 2002, the site went live. I was 26 years old, and for the first time in my life, I was being the man I wanted to be and living the life I wanted to live. I didn't know how I was going to do it...but, I was going to either find a way, or make one.

The rest is pretty much history. I put up the site, then the book, then the movie, and now I am "Tucker Max."

So--what the fuck does this have to do with the book? Well, the book is about this journey. It is a written record of me living my life the way I want to live it.

Yes, I write about having sex, and about getting drunk, and about busting on people and about being an asshole sometimes, and about all that shit. All of that surface stuff that people focus on so much is all there, but it's not really the soul of the book.

Here's the best way to understand that: Go read all the copycat blogs and books out there. There are so many people who have tried to imitate me, and every single one has failed miserably. Why? Because they think the stories are only about drinking or fucking or acting stupid, and since they think they do the same things I do, they can write about it the same way. But they can't, because the stories are not about all that shit--they're about one man's expression of love for his life.

The specific things I do are just my individual way of expressing myself, but the book is ultimately about having fun, defining your own life, and ultimately, being the person you want to be, and THAT is what you should take from it, because THAT is what I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell is about.

Now look: I am not going to stand here and lie to you and tell you that I was thinking about all of this when I started writing the emails to my friends that became the stories in the book. That's not only fucking ridiculous, it's patently false. The stories in the book started as nothing more than what they are: My attempt to write something that would entertain me and my friends.

But that's the point--I wasn't trying to be anything or do anything aside from the simple things that made me happy, and writing those stories made me happy. I was never trying to invent a new genre or write a massive best seller or create a huge brand or get named one of the most influential people in America.

But guess what? A funny thing happens when you cast off all the bullshit everyone dumps on you, and just live for yourself and follow your dreams: What it takes to get you there shows up in the finished product. When you love what you do, it shows, and people respond.

Now, before I finish, I want to call some of you out. I can tell some of you are getting this, and that's awesome, I hope this does resonate with you and start you on the right path.

But I know, I FUCKING KNOW, that some of you are sitting there, all skeptical, thinking to yourself "Whatever, this is just some bullshit inspirational speech he is making because he's getting paid. I am different; this doesn't apply to me."

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I am not some old fart blathering on about pie in the sky bullshit. You and I are almost the same. Ten years ago, I sat exactly where you are sitting, did the same shit you are doing now, and since that time, I have drank more beer, banged more girls and kicked more ass than all of you chewed bubble gum lackwit pussies put together! So don't fucking try and say this shit doesn't apply to you--that's exactly why you love my writing, because you CAN relate to it.

I started where you are now, and I AM who you could be, if you have to courage.

Shit, I DID HEAR THIS SPEECH at 21 from some dope-smoking peacenik, and I told that fucking hippy minstrel to go back to his weed smoking and hating the World Bank and leave the real work to us. AND I WAS FUCKING WRONG. It took me another five years just to realize I wasn't living the life I wanted.

And don't you fucking dare get up in the Q&A and say some stupid shit like, "Yeah, that's all well and good, but you didn't tell me HOW I am supposed to live my life for myself."

Man, fuck you too. You think I had a map to get to where I am? I had no fucking idea--I was winging it the whole time. Shit, I had to INVENT A NEW LITERARY GENRE!! There are no directions to life; you have to figure most of it out on your own. You want to live a life you love, you can't do it in a paint by numbers style--you make it either because you want to free your soul or you don't.

Make no mistake about it: What you do with your with your life is A CHOICE. You can be who you want to be, you just have to have the courage to go do it.

You don't hear this from your parents or your teachers or your friends, because they never tell you the other option. You know why? It's because they don't know it exists. They tell you that to do what everyone one else is doing, they tell you that you have to get a safe job and be like all of them, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.

But you don't have to do that. There is another way. You can make the choice to do what I did. You can't be Tucker Max, but you can recognize what you love, then find the courage to commit fully to it.

You can do it, but you have to choose to do it.

I know it can be done, because I did it.

And if I can do it, so can you.

Besides, let me ask you something: What's the alternative? If you don't live the life you want, what life are you living? A life you don't want.

And if you don't want your life, why are you even getting up in the morning?

Thank you guys, you've been great.

Travel plans for the upcoming month or so:

Denver, CO on April 28 and 29th: Hanging out with a friend, going to a Nuggets playoff game, etc.

Columbus, OH on May 11th: Doing a speech at Ohio State, then going out that night in Columbus.

Dallas, TX on June 3rd and 4th: Throwing out the first pitch at a minor league baseball game. Totally serious. Then hosting a bar event and getting really drunk with ho Texas girls.

Amazon just made my next book available for pre-release ordering, get it here.

It still won't be out for awhile, but if you order it now you can forget about it, and when it drops it'll come to you in the mail.

Announcement about the release date of the movie is coming soon, I promise. Hold tight.

I totally forgot to post this here:

Somehow I was nominated to Time Magazines 100 Most Influential list for 2009. I don't really get it either, but I am #25 right now, and you can still vote for me here.

This makes me laugh, because they have never given me one ounce of press, until this. How you can go from being uncoverable to being one of their 100 Most Influential People is beyond me.

Also, the first press review of the movie is out, you can read it here. All the news about the release and everything else is coming soon, I won't forget to post it here.

PS--I know it's April 1st, but this isn't an April Fool's joke. That list came out like two weeks ago.

First of all, if you showed up after I left the signing, I am really sorry. The fact that I missed a bunch of my fans is really shitty, and I did not do it on purpose. Let me explain what happened:

For every signing I've ever done, I get to the bookstore about 15 minutes early, I usually sit in the back with the managers and sign some stock for them to put out after I leave, and then I start the signing right at the time I say it will start. Usually by the starting time there are dozens, if not hundreds of people already in line. I sign books for however long it takes to get through the line, and then when the line runs out, that means the signing is over. Obviously if there is no one else there who wants their book signed, I am done.

Today, shit was fucked up from the start. I got to the signing at Books-A-Million at Arundel Mills early, at like 1:30. The signing was supposed to start at 2pm, but the bookstore was completely disorganized. Instead of taking me to the back to sign stock or having me wait until 2pm, they just had me sit down immediately and start signing. I didn't object to this because there were already like 80 people in line, so I figured, why make them wait?

Well, I am pretty quick at signings, and I got through the whole like by 2:05. I asked the idiot manager--who to that point had done nothing but stand three feet away from me and talk to some fucking weirdo about kooky conspiracy theories the entire signing annoying the shit out of me--if he wanted me to sign some stock.

Manager "Sure, I guess. Is that what you normally do?"
Tucker "Yeah."
Manager "OK, let's do that."
He just stood there looking at me.
Tucker "Uh...ok. How many do you want me to sign?"
Manager [confused, dumb look on his face] "I have no idea."

So I signed like 20 books, and a few more people straggled in and I signed for them, and by the time I was done it was 2:15. There was no one else there to have a book signed.

Tucker "Do you need me to sign anything else?"
Manager "No, I guess that's it."
Tucker "OK, does that mean we're done? If we're done, I am going to go."
Manager "OK."

Since I said the signing would start at 2pm, I thought everyone who was going to come had come. It didn't occur to me that more people were going to show up late. Had I stopped and thought about it, it would have made perfect sense, and I would have waited at least until 2:30 to make sure, but I was intensely hung over this morning from a hard night of partying in DC last night, and so I just wasn't thinking. For every other signing I've done, when the line ends, the signing is over.

Well, apparently a LOT of people showed up after I left. I don't know how many, but it was at least dozens, because that's how many emails I've gotten asking where the fuck I was.

First off If you showed up to the signing and I was gone, I am really sorry. I had no intention of dissing any of my fans, I would never bolt a place early on purpose, I honestly just thought we were done.

But here's what really fucking pissed me off: I have heard from several fans that the fucking assholes working at Books-A-Million put all the blame ON ME, and told people I was supposed to stay an hour but demanded to leave!!

Fuck those fucking incompetent, lying assholes.

I have done dozens of signings at bookstores around the country, and NEVER has anyone who worked at any book store ever had anything but the very best things to say about me as an author. I will sign anything, take any picture, stay as long as there are fans there, I talk to people--I do everything you could ever expect from an author. For those fucking pricks to act like I left for ANY reason other than I thought we were done is fucking bullshit. I will never do a signing at a Book-A-Million again. Fuck them.

But the most important thing: I want to sincerely apologize to everyone who showed up to find me gone. I may be an asshole, but I would NEVER be a dick to fans on purpose, and yes I should have waited until 2:30, but I honestly thought we were done. My bad, and if there is any way I can reasonably make it up to you, let me know.

I will be doing a few book signings on the east coast to promote the release of the Revised and Expanded edition of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.

Here are the details for anyone interested in going to one of them:

NEW YORK, NY
Wednesday, January 21st
Borders
6pm
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY 10121

PHILADELPHIA, PA
Thursday, January 22nd
Borders
6pm
80 E Wynnewood Avenue
Wynnewood, PA 19096

WASHINGTON, D.C.
Friday, January 23rd
Books A Million
7pm
11 Dupont Circle N.W.
Washington, DC 20036

MARYLAND
Saturday, January 24th
Books A Million - Arundel Hills
2pm
7000 Arundel Mills Circle, Space B3
Hanover, MD 21076

BOSTON, MA
Monday, January 26th
Borders
7pm
511 Boylston St.
Boston, MA 10121


CHICAGO, IL
Tuesday, January 27th
Borders
7pm
830 N. Michigan Avenue
Chicago, IL 60611

I constantly get emails from people asking me about the various projects I have going, so it's time for a big update on everything. Hopefully this answers everyone's questions:

1. The Movie
In case you haven't heard, I made a movie. You can read about the whole thing here. (the best place to start is probably the FAQ). There is still no definitive release date for the movie, we should lock one down by January or February at the latest. Tentative release date could be as early as May of 2009, or as late as September 2009. If you want to get more info as it breaks, either read the blog or sign up for the mailing list.

-Once we know the release date, we will plan several premieres around the country that fans will be able to attend. They will be really cool, we'll have swag bags, sponsors, and a post-screening Q&A with me, Nils, and some of the cast, shit like that. Sign up to get the info once we finalize plans [yes, this is the same sign-up list as the one I linked above].

2. Assholes Finish First
My next book, Assholes Finish First, has been pushed back for various reasons, the main one being that I was focused on making a movie. The plan is for it to come out in November 2009. Sign up either with Amazon or with my email list, and you'll get notified as soon as the release date is set.

3. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
But, I do have a new book out. Well, not really, but sort of. The revised and expanded edition of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell drops in December, right after Christmas. It's the exact same book, but there are two new stories, and I included the highlights of the stuff from the book tour. You can order a copy of the new revised and expanded version here.

-There are about 30-40k copies of the old version still being sold, if you want one as a collectors item or some shit like that, make sure and get it now.

4. Another Book Tour
I am going on a book tour to promote this new edition in January. Here is the tentative schedule:

Wednesday, January 21st: NYC
[Early Barnes & Noble signing in Brooklyn and an evening Borders signing in Manhattan]
Thursday, January 22nd: PHILADELPHIA, PA
Friday, January 23rd: WASHINGTON, D.C.
Saturday, January 24th: MARYLAND
Monday, January 26th: BOSTON, MA
Tuesday, January 27th: CHICAGO, IL

This is still a tentative list, but same deal as above--sign up and Ill send you the finalized info, or ocme back here, I'll post about it soon.

5. Speeches and appearances
I have a bunch of speeches at various universities and colleges set up for this coming year, sign up here to get info about them. Make sure and enter your zip code to get announcements about speeches in your area, I will geotarget these announcements so as not to annoy people who aren't close to the place I'll be.

6. Buy a copy for Christmas
If you want to buy a signed copy of the book for someone for Christmas, make sure to get your order in as soon as possible. By tomorrow for international orders, and by December 10th for domestic orders. Order them here.



I think that covers everything imminent. Tons more in the works, but those things can wait until they are closer to release.

One of my friends has a book dropping today, and it's really good:

Happy Hour Is for Amateurs: A Lost Decade in the World's Worst Profession

Out of law school, I decided that I wasn't going to do that, that I was going to follow my own path and live my life the way I wanted to and fuck everyone who didn't like it. Philalawyer took the path that most people took, did everything he was supposed to do, and it took him a decade to realize what it took me three weeks to figure out: Being a lawyer sucks, and it steals your soul, and if I had stayed in the profession, this book is basically what I would have written (except he's probably a much better writer than me). Just look at the jacket blurb:

"This is a book about escape. It's also about laughing gas. And bourbon and dope and sex and mushrooms and every other vice millions of us indulge in to forget our jobs, the office, and the stifling, corporate caricatures we're forced to become for paychecks. This is a book about a decade lost in a senseless career no one likes and all the ridiculous things I did to run from it. In the end, it's probably your story as much as mine. We're everywhere. We just can't say it out loud."

I highly recommend the book, and if you like my stuff you will probably like his stuff as well. You can also check out his site for excerpts.

If you have been paying any attention at all to popular culture for the past decade, I am sure you know who Michael Ian Black is. If the name doesn't ring a bell, you almost certainly recognize his face, he is the only commentator on all those VH1 flashback shows who is actually funny, instead of just annoying.

Anyway, Michael has a new book out, and as a way to publicize it, he has challenged me to a fistfight. Here is what he said:

So Tucker Max, you drunk, misogynistic motherfucker - I am officially calling you OUT! I am going to fist fuck every hole in your boozy little body until you crawl away like the sniveling little bitch that you are. YOU'RE DEAD!

You can read the rest on his blog.

Michael, I have no problem helping you get the word out about your book (which I haven't read but hear is pretty funny). But there is price to pay for trying to publicize it on the back of my popularity:

I accept.

I'm completely serious. I'd LOVE to fight you.

I'll even promise to show up drunk as shit. I'll drink an unreasonable amount of alcohol before we fight--20 beers, 30 beers, whatever it takes to me plastered. And if you don't think I'm drunk enough, I'll keep drinking. As long as I am conscious and able to stand on my feet, I'll fight you.

And here's the kicker:

If you beat me, I'll give you the next royalty check from my book.

It should be about 150k, give or take agent fees and other things. I am completely serious.

We don't even have to make this a bet. You win, you get the money. I win, I get nothing (except the satisfaction of standing over your broken, bleeding body and drunkenly yelling at you, "GET UP YOU FUCKING PUSSY! GET UP AND FIGHT!," or something to that effect, since I'll be drunk I can't quite predict what my words will be, or that they will even be enunciated or understandable).

Email me and let's set the time and place: tuckermax@gmail.com

And just to be clear: This isn't personal. I think you are a funny comedian, and I really respect your work. I'd much rather kick the shit out of someone who deserves it, like Benji Madden or Brody Jenner. To that effect, I promise when I kick your ass, I'll do my best not to leave any permanent damage.

Comment and discuss

This is also posted on the production blog, but I thought I'd put it here also:

The question I have gotten the most since I put this blog up has been, "How can I be in the movie?" The speaking roles are already cast with real actors, but we have a ton of parts to fill for non-speaking roles, also known as "extras." These roles will be filled by professional extras who are hired for our movie by the Extras Casting Director.

That leaves pretty much nothing left, and that was on purpose. At first, I had no intention of opening the casting of any roles, extras or speaking, to the general public. Although the majority of my fans and readers are great, there are enough of the weirdos, trolls and stalkers out there that I didn't want to be bothered having to deal with that crap. One rotten apple spoiling the bunch, etc.

But then I thought to myself--why let those dipshits ruin everyone elses fun? It's like responding to terrorism by removing the freedoms of the people you are trying to protect--once you do that, the terrorists have won anyway. Besides, my fans have given so much to me in so many ways, I figure its only fair to try to give something back by letting those who are interested be involved, even in a small way, in my movie. So, even though most of our extras will be cast the normal way, I have decided to open up some of the extras casting to my fans and readers. If you want to be an extra on the movie, here is how the process will work. Follow the instructions EXACTLY:

1. Send an email to this address: bihextras@gmail.com

2. Put "Beer In Hell Extra" in the subject line

3. Put your name and contact info in the body of the email.

4. Attach at least TWO pictures of yourself (the more the better). They need to be recent, clear and preferably only you. If the pics each have ten people in them, we aren't going to spend the time figuring out which person you are.

From those emails, me and my assistants will look at them and forward the ones who we may be able to use for a scene or scenes to the extras casting director, and if he agrees, he will contact you about being an extra. A few things:

-Please don't get your hopes up. Chances of being selected are low, especially if you are a guy. Male extras are easy to find. Being female helps you, and being a hot female really helps. [If you are a really hot female with a great body, can dance, and are willing to do topless--definitely send an email. We have a big strip club scene to fill, and your chances of being selected are good.]

-Don't do this expecting to hang out with me or anything like that. You may never even meet me, because you may be in a scene that shoots when I'm not on set. [Obviously if you are a hot girl and want to hang out, that can easily be arranged, but email me separately from the extras thing and we'll figure it out: tuckermax@gmail.com]

-We only shoot Monday-Friday, so please don't expect to do this on a weekend trip.

-If you get selected, we won't pay for your travel here (we're shooting in Shreveport, Louisiana) or for your hotel or anything like that. You are on your own. There is food on set during shooting though, and you can have some of that.

-But, if you are selected, you DO get paid. It's not much--I think it might be minimum wage--but it's something.

-I want to be clear about this--being an extra is not glamorous. There is a lot of standing around and waiting and being bored, all for the chance to be in the background of a shot that might not even be in the movie. We aren't going to treat extras like shit the way they do on other movie sets, but you definitely won't be the stars. For the most part, you are expected to do exactly as you're asked, be quiet when not being spoken to, and be ready when you're told.

-That being said, it is not unheard of for an extra to be on-set promoted up to a speaking part. It is rare, but it has happened. In fact, our director has done it on his other films.

If you know and accept all that, and still want to be involved, follow the instructions above, and good luck.

In case you didn't know, I am making a movie. The guys who did Donnie Darko are helping me to produce it, and we are documenting the whole making of process on the blog, as well as with pics and video:

The Official I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell production blog

The Official I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Flickr photostream

The Official I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell YouTube channel

We start shooting on July 21st, and I am going to post tomorrow about how people can become extras on the movie if they want.

Stay tuned.

We gave THR the scoop so we could get great placement, but the official announcement I have been talking about for months and months is finally here:

There is going to be a Tucker Max movie.

It's going to be called I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.

The script was written by me and Nils Parker.

It's a fictional story, but is based very heavily on the true stories from the book and website.

There are three male leads, one that is based on me (Tucker Max), one that's based on SlingBlade, and one that is a combination of PWJ, El Bingeroso, and Golden Boy. An actor is going to play the character based on me, but his name in the movie will be Tucker Max.

I have already started a blog about the movie, and have a ton of posts about what we've done so far. The archive is here, just start at the bottom and read up.

Sadly, it's not all good news:

Bad News #1 - Assholes Finish First delayed:

The release date of Assholes Finish First was originally fall 2008. I have pushed it back a year so it will coincide with the movie release.

Bad News #2 - This site won't be updated with new stories until the movie and the book come out:

The next year is going to be insanely hectic for me. Creating a feature film is no joke--it is a full time job and then some, so partying and what not has to take a back seat to my movie and book responsibilities, so I don't want anyone to check my site looking for new stories. There won't be any new ones until after both the book and the movie are out.

A few things:

-The official announcement about my movie is coming this week, probably Thursday (but maybe later). I'll announce the director we've attached, give all the details, etc. It's going to be awesome.

-I am giving a speech on March 3rd, at my grad school alma mater, Duke University. 8pm at Page Auditorium. All are welcome.

-I leave the next day for Houston, where I'll spend a week working on a book with the rapper, Paul Wall.

-I have another speech at Northeastern Univ. in Boston coming up on March 24th. I'll post the detailed info when I get it.

-My buddy started a clothing company, check it out if you like MMA shirts and that kind of stuff.

I know it seems like I've been off the grid for the past few months, but the opposite is true; I have been working harder than I've ever worked in my life. To answer a few questions I am constantly getting:

--Assholes Finish First release date has been pushed back to Fall of 2008. This is because:

--There is a movie in the works. It's going to be pretty much exactly what you would expect in a Tucker Max movie. As soon as I have a solid deal to announce, I will give you guys all the details.

I have a ton of other things going on, and at the appropriate time they will all be drop. Just be patient and it'll all come in time.

Until then, everyone is invited to come drink with me in Vegas next weekend. I know some of the guys who own and run the McFadden's chain of bars, and they have asked me to come to the opening of the new one in Vegas. This is not really an "official public appearance" by me, I am just going as a friend, but I will be there all three nights. The info:

Dates: January, 24th, 25th, 26th

Location: McFadden's in The Rio Hotel

Time: Doors open every night at 9pm.

I said I wouldn't do it. I swore oaths to gods I didn't believe in. I made ridiculous bets against it, taking any odds. I promised to self-immolate if it happened...and now it's a reality.

I am permanently moving to Los Angeles.

I don't want to do it. I hate everything about LA except the weather. But at this point, I have to. There is no way around it. I have too many projects going here that require my presence. [No, I can't tell you about any of them yet, so don't ask. As soon as I can say something, I will. But trust me, I would NOT live here unless there was a real good reason.]

I move into my own place on June 1st, but I am already here and will be here until then. I am not even going back to NYC to pack, I am just shipping everything out to me.

To all LA people (or anyone familiar with the area):
What should I know? I DO NOT need job or Hollywood advice, and I know the neighborhood I want to live in, I am more looking for these things:

1. Good places to eat. Don't get me wrong, I love In-N-Out, Zankou's, and Roscoe's, but I feel like there has to be more to LA cuisine than those three.

2. Cool places to hang out. As far as I can tell, this is the worst drinking city in America. There are almost no real bars, I guess because no one drinks. Everyone just does pills or blow. It sucks. Coked out Laguna Beach wanna-be whores may look cool on MTV, but trust me, when they talk to you in person, you want to inflict spinal injuries on them.

3. Anything else I should know. There is always a bevy of local knowledge about every city that you can only learn by living there. I have been in LA enough to know some of it, but I feel like this place HAS to have more to it than what I am seeing, because what I am seeing SUCKS.

[And I give blanket permission to everyone: If you ever see me in a shiny shirt at Hyde hanging out with Brody Jenner and Joe Francis, please kick my ass. I have mocked those guys for years, and I'd rather cut off my nuts with safety scissors than become one of them. If I fall victim to the LA bullshit, I deserve to have my ass kicked.]

My book spent two weeks on the New York Times Best Seller list during the first month it came out. It is now 16 months after my book first hit the list...and now it is BACK on the list. (#26 on paperback non-fiction).

This is not at all unprecedented; books go back on the list after falling off all the time. But it is very rare for a book to go back on this for no reason other than word of mouth generated sales. I've had no big press, Oprah didn't pick me for her book club, and I haven't done anything related to the book for months.

OK, so I know this kinda comes out of nowhere, but I am so impressed I had to post about this: Paul Wall is one of the most solid people I have ever met in my life. I have met and hung out with a lot of famous people, but I've never seen a real celebrity be so genuine, so accommodating to fans, so polite to everyone who approached him, and just so humble and gracious about everything. He handles the crush of being famous with a smile on his face and a humility that is amazing. Paul is one of those people who makes you say to yourself, "He's dealing with more shit than me, and has a better attitude about it. Why can't I be like that?"

I don't care what you've heard, take it from me: Paul is a great guy.

I guess this begs the question: How am I hanging out with Paul Wall? Long story short: Paul and I have a friend in common (Bill Dawes), and Bill recently did a USO tour to Iraq with Paul. On the trip, Paul told Bill how he wants to write a book, my name came up, and the next thing I know Paul Wall and I are talking about writing a book together. Anyway, I was in Austin this past weekend for SXSW, and Paul calls me:

Paul Wall: "Sup dawg."
Tucker: "What it do baby." [For real, this is what I said to Paul Wall. Even I laughed at myself.]
Paul: "Where you at?"
Tucker: "At the airport, about to go back to LA."
Paul: "Yo man, I'm doing a show in South Padre, why don't you come down?"
Tucker: "Get the fuck out of here...Seriously?"
Paul: "Yeah man, just catch a flight, it's only like a hour."

It would take me 1000 words to describe the absurd comedy that was my trip to South Padre, but the highlight was probably riding in a pimped-out Expedition with DJ Scribble and watching Fast and the Furious 3 on the screens in the back. For real, it's not possible to make this up.

Actually check that: The highlight of the night was having Paul give me a shout-out during his concert. If you were at Louie's Backyard in South Padre last night, you heard Paul say, "Where my boy Tucker Max at? Tucker in the house," right after the "Sittin Sidewayz" set.

Anyway, I am sitting in a hotel in South Padre right now, so I have to cut this short, but I will write more about all the things I skirted over later. It looks like I am going to be co-writing a book with Paul Wall, and I'm pretty excited about it.

Fucking finally. I have been waiting to announce this for about two months, but I wanted to wait until it was in an "official" publication. This is the answer to why I haven't been posting anything new since April (because I have been working on this--and related things--since then):

Tucker signs deal with Comedy Central

A few things to note:

-Most importantly--and I cannot emphasize this enough to those not in the entertainment business--this does NOT mean I am automatically going to have a TV show. Comedy Central bought a pilot from me. Now I have to write it. If (and it is NOT certain) they like it, then they will decide to shoot it. Once it is shot, they will watch it and decide if they want to order a season. So as of right now, there are still two MAJOR steps left before this becomes a show that is on the air (if it even happens at all). Yeah, I am really excited to have this deal, but the show is not on the air until it is on the air.

-Second: I am really, really excited to work with Comedy Central. I have written extensively in the past about my problems with the entertainment business (print and TV), but after dealing with the executives at Comedy Central, I now understand why they've made such great shows: They are not only smart, but they are willing to take risks, and they genuinely care about making a great product. If you aren't in the business, you can't conceive of how rare that combination of traits is in a network, but take my word for it: IT IS.

-Over the next 2-6 months, pretty much all my time will be consumed with working on this show, and on my next book, Assholes Finish First. Because of that, I am going to tell you right now to spare you the emails, there will probably be no more stories for a while. If you don't want to keep checking back for new stuff, the best thing for you to do is either sign up for my RSS feed, or my email list, and I'll send out something when I release something new, or--god willing--the show gets picked up:

Sign up for my RSS feed here

Sign up for my email list here.

-I will answer all questions about the deal here, on this thread on my message board. There isn't much to say about it beyond what Variety and I have said, but I am sure I'll get about 1000 emails anyway.

Currently residing in Los Angeles, CA.

Here are some new things I just added to the FAQ, in response to the emails I keep getting:

Where can I buy Belligerence and Debauchery and The Definitive Book of Pick-Up Lines?
You can't. They are out of print, on purpose. I took B&D out of print because it was nothing more than reprints of stories already on my site. I took The Definitive Book of Pick-Up Lines out of print because it was fairly amateurish, and I didn't want my name on it without substantially improving it. I think you can get these used in some places, but I would NOT recommend buying either. B&D is all on my site, and the pick-up line book is kinda crappy. Just go buy I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, it's awesome.

Is I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell just the same stories from your site?
No. I've said this countless times, but some people have problems listening. IHTSBIH is 27 stories, 12 of which are brand new and cannot be found anywhere except the book (about 150 pages of the 277 page book is new). And they aren't crappy stories either; several of the new ones rank up there with the best stuff I have ever written.

You aren't so great. I would be just as cool/famous/rich as you if I had a trust fund also.
I don't understand this comment. Where have I ever said I have a trust fund? Shit, I WISH I had a fucking trust fund; I would love it if I had enough Fuck You Money to tell all these studios and publishers to kiss my ass. The last time my parents gave me money was in college. I got a scholarship to law school, took out loans to pay for my living expenses, and ran up massive credit card debt to fuel my adventures (that I still haven't paid off). When I first put up my site I worked bullshit odd jobs to make enough money to live, and then once my site blew up and I put ads on it, now I make a pretty decent amount from that, and OK money from the book sales and other projects I have in the works. Everything I have, I earned through hard work and smart strategy. But seriously--if any of you know of any trust fund with my name on it, show me where it is. I'll even give you a finders fee.

Hey Tucker, can you help me with this problem, you see [insert lame ass high school/college issue].
Look people, I really do appreciate emails and feedback, but I do not have the time to personally answer the dozens of requests for help I get each day, especially the retarded relationship questions I get from 15 year olds. Beyond that, I am just some random dude who writes funny stories. Why do people ask me things like how to make enough money to afford medical care for their crippled sister (a real email I got)? If you insist on asking me for advice, then at leat take the time to read my Advice Board first, it covers most of the things that I know enough to give advice about, like fucking, drinking, and writing.

How many STD's do you have/do you have AIDS? You MUST have a bunch because of all the sex you have.
This question always cracks me up. People, I am not going to get into a lecture about sexually transmitted diseases, but be careful who you believe. A lot of the info you find on this subject comes from sources with an agenda (e.g. religious groups, conservative abstinence groups, etc). But no, I do not have any STD's that I know of, and yes, I get tested regularly. It's actually pretty easy to avoid STD's if you just USE A FUCKING CONDOM. And tons of girls I fuck get tested after fucking me, and none has ever come up positive for anything. Well, unless you count pregnancy as an STD.

I try to keep all the "Tucker, you've changed my life!" bullshit off of here, but every now and then I get an email that really gets to me. This is one, posted verbatim:

"hey tucker,
im a platoon leader of forty rough and tough infantrymen here in the great country of iraq. a friend of mine (a girl) back home sent me your book and i loved every page, so much so that i passed it on to my men with the understanding that as each soldier finished it he'd have to pass it on. so what, right? well the last soldier who read it, Spc. [name removed], a goofy little guy who is not even a US citizen yet, finished it two days ago, one day ago an insurgent rocket crashed through the gym he was working out in, severly injuring both arms and causing small wounds all over the rest of his body. his thumb on his left hand was practically ripped off. as he was being stabilized, the morphine was getting to him so he was mostly worried about his ability to play halo in the future but he also wanted me to make sure the book got passed on. that was my last conversation before we took him on a stretcher to a waiting blackhawk that carried him out of our lives.

Hes on his way to germany now then the States where he will recieve his citizen ship (automatic after being wounded) and learn to use his hands again. im not trying to sell a sob story but i want you to know u've got fans over here and some of us are gettin messed up. anyways, keep writin the great stories and maybe we'll catch you in austin some day

[Name Removed]
[Unit details removed]
Fort Hood TX"

I have been getting a ton of email and what not about this new movie, "John Tucker Must Die." Lots of people seem to think that because my name is in the title, and the movie is about a player, then it must be ripped from my life and that I should sue Hollywood for all they have.

People, there is such thing as coincidence. But let's examine the plots points of the movie, and see how they correlate to my life:

John Tucker = His story is set in high school
Tucker Max = Has yet to write a single story about high school

John Tucker = Playboy who cheats on several girls
Tucker Max = Asshole who makes a point of being honest with girls

John Tucker = According to the trailer, he lost his virginity to the prom queen and the homecoming queen on the same night.
Tucker Max = What fucking retard wrote that line? Is Hollywood that out of touch with reality?

John Tucker = Metro who wears all the right clothes and uses way too much product
Tucker Max = Wears tshirts and has never used product in his life

John Tucker = Triumphs over superior athletes in completely unrealistic basketball scenes
Tucker Max = Has played basketball against superior athletes, and in a very realistic fashion, was soundly beaten by them

John Tucker = Gets owned in the least imaginative way possible by three high school girls
Tucker Max = Please. If I ever let three teenage girls get the best of me, I'll just fucking retire. That being said, I have been owned by post-op tranny's, embarassed post-college lovers, and other assorted scorned women. But at least they weren't Hollywood high school creations.

So PoopLips from the ass licking story came over just now. She came me some unreal head (and some rim action too, of course):

Tucker "Seriously, you keep sucking dick like that, and you are going to have a husband in no time."

She feigned anger, but you could tell she was proud of herself.

PoopLips "Seriously, kill yourself. Whatever, you know I am very smart."
Tucker "Who said you weren't? Intelligence and fellatio skills are not mutually exclusive."
PoopLips "I know, if I wanted to I could be all successful and whatever, but all I really want is to have a family and be a stay at home mom."
Tucker "You going to kiss your kids with that mouth?"

Gentlemen, I will not tell you who PoopLips is, but for one of you, she's going to be kissing your kids. On the mouth.

Edit: A few funny follow-ups I forgot:

-She wore a pearl necklace to my place tonight. Like, a real piece of jewelry pearl necklace. She then later told me that no one had ever "come on [her]." I wonder what she wants me to do next?

-She no longer maintains that she didn't eat my ass that first night, since she has done it twice since. Now she has moved on to maintaining that I am the first guy she's ever done this with...of course it is.

Yesterday I took one girl's vaginal virginity, and then a different girl's anal virginity. If I could only have had an oral virgin and got a blowjob from her, I'd have hit for the Virginity Cycle in one day with three different girls. That's something you can put on your resume.

NOTE: Midget story is half done and on it's way, I promise. I have been super busy this past week, but the wait on this one will be worth it, trust me.

Last night I met a girl out. She was really cute, and had emailed me because she wanted to "do my laundry." I guess she decided the best way to accomplish this was to meet me out at a bar.

Anyway, after about 2-3 hours of drinking she finally got up the courage to admit to herself why she was out with me, and we went back to my place to fuck.

We make out at the front door for about a minute or two, drunkenly stumble in, throw clothes everywhere, and she pushes me on the bed, gives me one more peck on the lips, then goes down on me...skipping past my penis, and totally ignoring the balls...and starts feasting on my butt buffet. Seriously, I don't think a colonic would have cleaned my ass any better than her tongue did. I am not complaining, she was a fucking expert, jacking me off at the same time and working her tongue around like a lesbian porn star. Of course, all I could think about was how many guys she's done this to before if she's so eager to do it to me, but whatever.

This morning, I roll her over for morning sex, and when we are done, I jokingly call her "poop lips." She doesn't understand why.

Tucker "Uhhhhhh...are you the same girl as last night?"
Poop lips "Please die. Of course I am the same girl, DUH!"
Tucker "Do you not remember licking my ass like it was a Tootsie Pop?"
Poop lips "OH MY GOD I DID NOT!"

Of course you didn't. After all, if you "don't remember" it, than it didn't happen, right?

I wrote a general defense of "fratire" for the Huffington Post. It has many of the same points as the review of the Alphabet of Manliness I posted yesterday:

Tucker's Huffington Post Piece

This is my "official" review of The Alphabet of Manliness, which debuted today at #4 on the NY Times Best Seller List. Congrats Maddox, you deserve it brother:

Like many people I first heard of Maddox in October of 2002, when his pieces about children's artwork hit the mainstream. Before I got around to checking his site, I probably received 60 emails referencing him in the course of a week. Like any repetitive forward, this immediately became annoying, and almost as an act of spite I refused to even look at the site or read why he thought he was better than my children.

It took me two weeks before I stopped angrily deleting forwards with subject lines like "Maddox iz hiLaRiouS, LOLZ!!", and another week before I actually looked at his site. As soon as I saw the children's rendering of a fuzzy looking fire truck with this caption attached, "Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit," I was irreversibly hooked. Since then I have read, and often re-read, virtually every piece on his site, and I unapologetically consider myself a Maddox fan.

Writing a review of "The Alphabet of Manliness," I have to first get the most important thing out of the way: Reassuring his fans. If you are a regular reader of the website, please do not expect that the book will be exactly like his site. Maddox is an artist and an innovator, and he continues in that spirit in this book. Do not worry though; whatever issues you may have with the departure from his standard format will evaporate when you read paragraphs like this one on the greatness of hot sauce:

"The baby seemed like he was loving [the hot sauce] at first, but suddenly he started crying, so I did what I always do when babies cry: I put him in the garbage can. His mom started yelling and screaming, then she tried to punch me, so I stepped to the side and she accidentally tripped and fell down four flights of stairs, and then she accidentally got peed on."

The entire book is like the above paragraph: hilariously blunt, geniously subtle, and at all times thoroughly Maddox. Even my 64-year-old father laughed out loud repeatedly when he was reading this book, and if he can recognize the genius in "The Alphabet of Manliness," then so can Maddox's hard core fans.

I didn't write this review to tell Maddox's fans that his book is going to be awesome. This is something they should already know. I didn't really even write this review to explain the book to a non-Maddox fan; you can go to The Best Page in The Universe and read some of his site, and get the gist of his writing there. I am writing this because I think "The Alphabet of Manliness" is not only a work of brilliance, but I believe that it represents the vanguard of a new social movement, and I want to make sure that at least one review recognizes and celebrates this.

Some people will call this book immature "male" humor. They will call it sexist. It will be referred to as racist, homophobic, misogynistic and every other evil "-ist" and "-ic" term that that PC police use to bombard everything that is truly funny. I am here to tell you that they will all be wrong.

To begin, though the book is written with a male audience in mind, asserting that this book is only for men is ridiculous. At least a third of Maddox's fans are women. That might not sound like a lot, until you realize that he gets almost 5 million visitors a month to his site. Maddox himself gives the best answer to this assertion, "I would say that [this book] is only for men the same way that lesbian porn sites in the internet are only for women."

But more importantly, to see this book in any sort of sexist or misogynistic or homophobic light is to miss the entire point of Maddox's humor. Maddox is just the pen name for a real person, George Ouzounian. George created the Maddox persona many years ago as a sort of alter ego for him to be all the things on the internet that he couldn't realistically be in his life, i.e., an ass-kicking pirate with tabasco sauce for blood who eats beef jerky for every meal. Though the rants on his website and book closely track his real life beliefs, they are not 100% aligned. Of course he doesn't think women should be randomly groped, nor does he believe that children should be beaten, and of course he doesn't think that pirates shit leprechauns.

Maddox is a caricature. The opinions he holds are purposefully exaggerated, in some cases to draw attention to their absurdity and derive humor from it, in other cases to mock the opposite position. Maddox is misogynist like Stephen Colbert is ultra conservative, or Sarah Silverman is anti-semitic. This is one of the classic faces of comedy: the comedian pretends to be the most exaggerated version of something, taking an idea to its logical extreme in order to show its absurdity and thus mock it completely. Carol O'Connor did the same thing brilliantly with his Archie Bunker character in All In The Family. With these types of comedians, you are never exactly sure where their opinions end and the opinions that they are mocking begin, and in toeing that line comes the real humor. Some things they say are so absurd that no one would agree with them, but you find yourself laughing more at the taboo.

Though he does make many absurd statements in his book, Maddox is not mocking masculinity. In fact, quite the opposite, he represents the vanguard of a larger social movement: making masculinity masculine again. Warren St. John called the writers leading this new movement "fratire." I hate that name, simply because not one of the writers he profiled in his article (Maddox, Robert Hamburger, Neil Strauss, Frank Rich and myself) was in a fraternity, and beyond that, it is much larger than just a literary movement. I prefer to call it The New Masculinity. Did you ever think you'd read a brief history of feminism written by Tucker Max? Well, you're about to:

To understand where current culture is, you need to understand how we got here. Feminism came in three "waves"; 1st Wave, which was suffrage (the right to vote), 2nd Wave, which was the 60's and 70's sexual and social revolution fought for inclusion, and 3rd Wave, which is what we have now. It emphasizes freedom of choice for women regardless of what decision they make. Thus it endorses everything from porn to girly culture (in addition to a bunch of post modern horseshit which is irrelevant to any intelligent discussion, much less this one).

Of course, First Wave feminism was a substantial human advancement. Aside from universal suffrage, only the rule of law and the scientific method have done more to advance the human condition. Second Wave feminism was also necessary at the time. It threw off the stifling societal bonds limiting women's ability to be who they wanted to be and advance in fields they choose. However, Second Wave feminism went too far in some ways.

While many women did want to take advantage of the new paths available to them and become scientists or CEO's, many did not, and they didn't enjoy feeling like failures simply because they chose to be stay-at-home moms or strippers or whatever. The same was true for their sexuality. Because the Second Wave feminists fought for sexual equality against a patriarchal system that objectified them, as a result they held women to a standard of acting in accord with the gains they had won. But the Third Wave feminists did not want another set of rules, they wanted personal freedom, and some of them preferred the option of alternate sexual mores like bi-sexuality and slutiness.

This is why Third Wave feminism arose; it was a reaction against the oppression of the Second Wave. Plainly put, the Second Wave feminists were Jane Pauley and Gloria Steinem, and the Third Wave feminists were Britney Spears, Suicide Girls and Margaret Cho.

Why does any of this matter? Because feminism did not evolve in a vacuum. It interacted with and affected masculinity. Entire books could be written about this, but in short, men--especially in the media--reacted to Second Wave feminism by emasculating themselves and adopting a PC attitude that apologizes for nothing more than men being men. This attitude peaked in the early 90's (around the same time that Third Wave feminism started). The idea that men had to pay not only for the sins of our fathers, but had to suffer for simply being a man became pervasive in mainstream media.

[I would go so far as to say that many feminists, especially Second Wave feminists, actually HATE women. Not the minority of women who agree with them, but the majority of actual women in the world, the ones who wax their legs and wear high heels, who distance themselves from radical feminism and actually like men. The hard-core Second Wave feminists think so little of women that they are compelled to control them, tell them what's acceptable to read or enjoy or think is funny and dictate whom it's permissable to be attracted to, i.e. to tell them that they are supposed to hate Maddox and I because we aren't pussy-whipped sychophants. Well fuck that. It is not an accident that at 30-40% of our fans are women. Ladies, unlike the feminist illuminati who disparage your personal choices when they don't fall into line with their radical views, I will not ignore and disregard your decisions. I am glad you are reading and I personally welcome you as fans.]

When any pendulum swings too far to one side, it eventually has to start coming back. The first major player to refuse to buckle to this trend was Howard Stern. The demand for such a voice was so strong that by simply refusing to kowtow to the PC police, he became the "King of All Media." This is where fratire comes in. While Maddox and I are not Howard Stern, we do represent some of the first internet players in this post-PC, and fratire as a genre represents the non-mainstream reaction to the feminization of masculinity.

Jimmy Iovine, founder of Interscope Records, when asked about his effect on the musical revolutions he helped create, said, "I'm as powerless to stop a revolution as I am to start one." The last thing I want to imply is that Maddox or I started this movement. We did not. We are another part of it, simply the right people in the right place at the right time. I am not the only person out there getting drunk and hooking up and unapologetically living my life the way I want to; I am just the first guy to write about it. Maddox is not the first pasty guy sitting in front of a computer in his mom's basement typing out angry rants against Orbitz and Cameron Diaz; he is just the best one doing it right now.

While masculinity is starting to slowly coming back into vogue, the fight is only beginning. The fact is, at this point in entertainment history, the 2nd Wave feminists are the gatekeepers of media. The women who grew up in the 60's are now in charge, and they quite literally run shit, and these 50-year-old women heading media companies have personal preferences that do not reflect many American attitudes. The fact is, people are hungry for someone to tell it like it actually is instead of how these people want it to be. They want men to act like men, but the old school doesn't get this yet. This is why people like Maddox and me had such a hard time getting published, and why we still have such a hard time getting mainstream media coverage, even though we have more monthly readers than almost any other entertainer in America, and more than most MAGAZINES. It's because we refused to bow before the PC gods and destroy our art to meet their ideological demands, we suffer.

Doors were shut in our faces, yet our books hit THEIR list, WITHOUT their help. They aren't in touch anymore, even forgetting the internet aspect of this discussion. Think about it: Could they pimp Ana Marie Cox (Wonkette) or Jessica Cutler (Washintonienne) anymore than they do? But their books FACEPLANTED. No sales. My book--by itself--has outsold both Wonkette and Washingtonienne...COMBINED. By a factor of three. And Maddox will outsell all of us put together. America is ready, America wants men who have the balls to stand up and be men, America is sick of being mothered and held down, and they are going to get it regardless of where it comes from.

This is not to imply that men's interests run counter to women's, or even that masculinity and feminism are mutually exclusive. They are not. Nor am I implying that feminism is bad, or that men are "superior" to women in some unspecified way. I agree with the basic tenet of feminism--that women are legally and morally equal to men--and I personally like women who are smart and can think for themselves and are independent.

None of that contradicts true masculinity, because masculinity is not about opposing feminity. It is our yin to their yang. Real men do not hate women; in fact, we want women to figure prominently in out lives. All we want is to stop being told that it's not OK to be a man. Men want to be men, and "The Alphabet of Manliness" is just that: A hilarious book about being a man.

NOTE: A modified version of this piece appeared in the Huffington Post. Instead of a review of AoM, it was a more generalized defense of "fratire" as a whole. Read it here.

According to a report in the Philadelphia Inquirer, Dimeo plans to appeal the massive judicial bitch slap he received. Wait for it.....

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This is just awesome. I cannot believe what a tool this guy is. Seriously though Antnee, I'd like to thank you for staking out such an absurd position as to allow EVERYONE across the political spectrum, from left to right, to see me as a defender of the 1st Amendment and a hero of the internet. I already have one PR guy who does a great job, but I doubt I could hire anyone who could do for me what you have. And I love the ridiculously contradictory claims you make in the story. If you actually wrote that email...dude, you should hire a PR firm. I hear Renamity is looking for clients...oh wait.

Again, kudos to you. I love being the good guy.

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I WON BITCHES!!!! I BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF ANTNEE DIMEO!! THE GOOD GUYS WON!!

The judge's decision is awesome. It has all the great elements: It quotes hilarious posts from my message board about Dimeo, it mocks and derides Dimeo and his dumbass lawyer, and most importantly it completely and totally reaffirms basically all the tenets of free speech that Dimeo was challenging. It is a 100% slam dunk victory for me, the The Tucker Max Message Board, for all of you, and for free speech on the internet. The best part is the last quote, it is fucking awesome:

"Here we do so by protecting the coarse conversation that, it appears, never ends on tuckermax.com"

Well, that or the part where a FEDERAL JUDGE quotes someone from my board using the phrase, "getting fisted by an angry gorilla" and "mold your face to what you think you would look like if a leper were about to take a shit in your mouth." Best. Legal. Decision. Ever.

The only bad part is that the judge did not issue sanctions against Weisberg. Oh well, I'll still take this huge victory.

Read the attached brief, it is really funny, even if you aren't a lawyer and don't get the complicated legal stuff, there are still gems in there. A very well written decision.

I will put everything on this together into one story at some point, but I just wanted to get my decisive and crushing victory over the lazy-eyed blueberry douchebag out there to the public.

Thanks to everyone who stood behind me and free speech, all of you were great and I genuinely appreciate the support.

EDIT: We are back to our neverending coarse speech, making fun of Dimeo again on the message board.

EDIT#2: I can't stop laughing imagining him stomping around his cheaply furnished apartment, one eye pointing south, the other one east, pouting and fuming over the fact that he didn't get his way, and now the mockery will never stop. It must not be very fun to suck so much that you feel like you have to SUE people who mock you, because you can't find any other way to make them stop.

I have a suggestion for Antnee: STOP BEING SUCH AN OFFICIOUS TOOL AND MAYBE EVERYONE WILL STOP MAKING FUN OF YOU.

But what do I know? My parties never run out of alcohol. Silly me.

.

One of my favorite pics.

Thanks to Paul, who sent this to me. Look me up when you get stateside, I'll buy you a beer.

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As you may know Anthony Dimeo is suing me:

One from today that has a quote by me

Here are two more articles about this:

The original news article

One from Friday (It slightly takes that hero quote of mine out of contest, but not that bad. I said that I was fighting this suit not just for me but to protect the 1st amendment, but that I wasn't a hero for doing it, I was just doing something that had to be done. I was trying to be humble, but I kinda suck at it)

And then a GREAT piece that fully explains why this lawsuit is such a big deal. If you care about free speech or the internet at all, I suggest you read this article, its good. [Also, the text of the actual complaint is linked on that site]

I list all the threads on my message board that are of issue here.

As of right now, I do not have any further specific comment on the case, aside from this:

There is no question that on an average day, I am a huge attention whore, but that is not what is going on here. This is not about me; this is a very serious legal matter, not just for me, but for the entire internet. The issues at stake here could potentially affect every single website and individual who posts on messageboards and chatrooms.

I try not to ask much of you people, but please send the relevant links/my blog post to anyone and everyone you can who has a site that could talk about this and publicize it, and if you have a website, please post about and publicize this case.

In defending my rights I will by proxy be defending everyone's free speech rights, and by writing about this you will be helping defend this cause. The more attention that we focus on this case, the better the chances that freedom will prevail and censorship will be beaten back.

Remember: I don't ask that you endorse me or my site, but only that you endorse the fight against censorship.

NOTE: The actual lawsuit (it is linked on the MyElectionAnaylsis.com post) lists an address for me. That is NOT my address, it is the address of the bar that I am an owner in, Vapor.

EDIT: This is Volokh's take on it.

I am fully moved into my apartment in NYC (around the area of 23rd and Madison), I have broken in my bed, and all my laundry is now clean (see two posts below). It's time to get back to work.

I had planned to launch several new things today, but I'm not going to. This isn't because I was lazy, but rather because I have been too busy to deal with anything except a somewhat pressing matter: I am being sued. Again.

I don't have any commentary on the case now, but by tomorrow I should have something to post, just stay tuned. This is going to get real good, real fast.

As for the other things on my calender, here is the tentative schedule:

March 19th: Put up the order form for people to get signed copies of my book.

March 25th: Officially launch FesteringAss and start taking applications for sites.

March 29th: Launch re-designs of all the FesteringAss sites.

April 2: Start taking applications for my first employee. [Once again, DO NOT email me about this now. I will post about it later]

Do these things when I can:
-post the complete Running Book Tour Story
-launch at least one new site, and possibly two more (one of them will be BunnySis's own site, one will be by a prison guard at a maximum security prison, and one will be a surprise, but its going to be really good.)
-Maybe get around to what this site is supposed to be about, ME WRITING STORIES ABOUT MY LIFE.

This is how you do an interview: Drunk at a frat house.

The Phat Phree Interview

BTW: You should check out the rest of Phat Phree, it's a funny site. And pay attention to Charlie and Mike (the guys that run it), they are going to be big very soon.

NOTE: I really did do that entire interview while sitting in the Phi Psi house at UVA signing books.

Starting on February 1st of 2006, I went on a book tour to promote my first book, "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell." It was a 23 stop, 32 day book tour across the east, southest, and midwest. This was the schedule:

Wed, Feb 1st: Philadelphia (Penn)
Thu, Feb 2nd: Richmond (Downtown)
Fri, Feb 3rd: Durham/Chapel Hill (Southpoint Mall)
Sat, Feb 4th: Athens (UGA)
Sun, Feb 5th: Atlanta (GT)
Mon, Feb 6th: Gainesville (UF)
Tues, Feb 7th: Tallahassee (FSU)
Wed, Feb 8th: OFF
Thu, Feb 9th: Charlottesville (UVA)
Fri, Feb 10th: College Park (Maryland)
Sat, Feb 11th: Annapolis (Navy)
Sun, Feb 12th: Washington DC (GW)
Mon, Feb 13th: OFF
Tues, Feb 14th: OFF
Wed, Feb 15th: OFF
Thu, Feb 16th: Albany, NY (SUNY Albany)
Fri, Feb 17th: OFF
Sat, Feb 18th: Boston (BU)
Sun, Feb 19th: OFF
Mon, Feb 20th: OFF
Tues, Feb 21th: Pittsburgh, PA (Pitt)
Wed, Feb 22nd: Ann Arbor (Michigan)
Thu, Feb 23rd: East Lansing (MSU)
Fri, Feb 24th: Chicago (Downtown and the UC)
Sat, Feb 25th: Madison (Wisconsin)
Sun, Feb 26th: OFF
Mon, Feb 27th: OFF
Tues, Feb 28th: Champaign (Illinois)
Wed, Mar 1st: Bloomington (Indiana)
Thu, Mar 2nd: West Lafayette (Purdue)
Fri, Mar 3rd: Columbus (Ohio State)
Sat, Mar 4th: Athens, OH (Ohio U)
Sun, Mar 5th: Back to NYC

Continue reading "The Tucker Max Book Tour Running Update, Part 1"

If you haven't seen it, you should probably check out Phat Phree, it's a really funny site (they are the ones who did the "Look at my striped shirt" piece).

Anyway the guys who run it, Charlie DeMarco and Mike Polk, were in NYC this week doing stuff related to their upcoming book, so we got together for some beers. Some beers turned into me calling Charlie out because he was ordering new beers without finishing the ones he had, which led in turn to Charlie pounding a huge German beer, which led to quite the scene for old Charlie.

You see, whereas I am a professional drinker and can handle my liquor, Charlie--though he is a great guy--is a slightly built man of frail constitution, and apparently is quite inexperienced in the ways of the drink. This was the result:

Come on Charlie, hold your liquor! You can do it!
Well...maybe not.
Yes Charlie, I am getting a face shot for proof

Don't feel bad Charlie. Better men than you have done worse when called out by Tucker Max.

But to his credit, the dude rallied great. He cleaned himself up, sipped some water and went right on telling his ludicrous tall tales about "holding a job," "loving my wife" and "I swear I'm Italian, not Jewish." Riiiiiight, Charlie.

To the uneducated and superficial mind, my site might come off as little more than prurient humor. Some of my critics call me "bathroom humor" or "frat-boy fare" or even "tasteless trash." That's fine with me, I have never felt the need to defend myself against them or argue this point. My huge fanbase, wide influence and book sales speak for themselves. In fact, I kinda like the haters; they prove how big I have become. After all, no one takes shots at the anonymous and unimportant.

But what these people fail to see is that, whether you like me or not, whether you agree with me or not, my site and my writing represent much more than prurient humor to many people. The stories exist on many levels to some people, and there is a deeper meaning beyond just witty comebacks and mocking posers. What else is there? Instead of me writing what would inevitably be a pompous and absurd sounding treatise on the deeper meaning behind these stories, I am going to let the people who I have affected do it for me.

Here is a snap shot of two days of emails in my life. These are real emails from real people, printed completely unadulterated:

Continue reading "Tucker helps people. No, really."

From this point forward, every time anyone refers to me, it will be by my proper title:

New York Times Best Selling Author Tucker Max

Absolutely no bullshit--the list just came out for this week, and my book is on the paperback non-fiction list.

In the interest of full disclosure: I am all the way at the very bottom of the list. Most of the places that publish the NY Times Best Seller List only print 1 through 15, but the extended list does go all the way to 35...and this week, my book is at 34.

Granted, this is fucking awesome, but in a weird way. I feel like an undrafted free agent who just made an NFL team...on the practice squad.

NOTE: The list was literally released an hour ago, and I don't think it's officially public yet, so I am posting it here. I don't know when it'll be up on the NY Times site, but it should be soon (it's on the Extended Paperback Non-Fiction List.

Or download the pdf here

This isn't a traditional Tucker Max story, but damn...it is funny. My buddy MrJake just took this whole Canadian murdering-sisters-wanting-to-hook-up thing to a whole new level.

In short: Two sisters emailed me requesting an incestuous threesome, but couldn't go through with it because they were convicted of killing their mother. Just read the site, you'll understand:

Murdering Whores

Start at the bottom, and read up.

This is just completely insane and hilarious. I honestly don't know what to say about this.

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A real email:

"From: [person who works at Amazon]
To: tuckermax@gmail.com
Date: Oct 30, 2005 8:33 PM
Subject: wrong name on Amazon.com earns you another fan

Hey Tucker,

I discovered your site last week through the accident of my job. I manage the team at Amazon.com that collects and analyzes customer feedback. Browsing some comments I noticed several on your new book complaining that the author's name was reversed as "Max Tucker".

The title was intriguing so I googled around and found your site. I read the whole thing in just a couple of days. Fucking amazing!!! You have a unique combination of a great talent for both causing mayhem and just as importantly writing about it. Can't wait for the book to come out."

I keep getting emails about my two old books, and why they are no longer available on Amazon. Here is the deal:

I decided to take "The Definitive Book of Pick-up Lines" out of print, because I am going to issue a Second Edition that is revised and expanded in the spring.

As part of my deal with Kensington, I had to take "Belligerence and Debauchery" out of print, because it has like three stories that overlap with the new book. And to be honest, there is no reason to buy "Belligerence and Debauchery" anymore. All the stories on that book are on my site; it is the new book, "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" that will have all the new material I've written over the past year.

Everyone just wait until my new book comes out to buy anything. Even though it doesn't come out until January, it should be available for pre-order any day now, I will link to it as soon as the page is up on Amazon.

This cracks me up. A real email:

"Like most people who email you, you don't know me. You have never
heard of me, and you probably already know what I'm about to tell you
-- but in case you don't, I figured I would anyway.

I was recently reading some textbook material getting ready for my
upcoming semester at the University of Alberta, and came across this
gem.

So ends my procrastination, enjoy."

I promise, I did not write this, some girl sent it to me. She read this and thought it would be funny. For some reason, videotaping consent doesn't bother me, but having a girl sign that would just weird me out.

Though, for this to be accurate, you would have to change "Random Hot Girl" to "Random Girl." Sometimes Tucker drinks too much and makes bad decisions.

Whenever I post about traveling to another city, I get several emails from people asking if they can hang out with me. Sadly, most of these come from guys. Let me explain something to any guy thinking about sending me an email like that:

Unless I know you or we have a friend in common who can vouch for you, don't do it. You may be the king of your friends and get Tucker Max Drunk every night and fuck whores and call people fat and yell at bums. I don't care, chances are nearly 100% that you suck and I have no desire to hang out with you.

But jokes aside, you may actually be cool. You may be an awesome dude that if I knew I would be friends with. That is possible. But here is the problem: For every legitimately cool guy who wants to hangout, there are about 100 that are complete fucking tools emailing me. Take this email for example (I just got this like an hour ago):

Continue reading "Hanging out with guys"