My friends and I were sitting around on Saturday watching college football when a girl, WhoreBingo, came over. She brought her roommate, a nurse, Nurse Cratched. She works with doctors who do various types of penis surgeries. Her job became the immediate focus of conversation, and her stories blew me away. For example:
1. It is possible to break your dick. Really. Your penis can suffer such a trauma that the patchwork of blood vessels that hold it erect can break, filling your penis with blood, sort of like a big bruise. She told us about this one guy who came in, and had to have a full liter of blood drained from his cock. When she asked him how it happened, he told her "I was taggin' my bitch from the back, and I aimed too high, and the fucker broke." Jesus Christ. He must have been fucking the absolute shit out of this girl to generate enough force to break his dick against her coccyx. That is some serious deep dicking.
2. You can get a surgically implanted penis pump. Apparently, all those ads in the back of Hustler are true. If you are impotent, doctors can insert a small inflatable tube into your penis, and a pump into your scrotum. Then you literally inflate the tube in your penis by repeatedly squeezing the pump in your scrotum sack. There is even a release valve on the back side of the sack to deflate the penis. Remember those inflatable Reebok basketball shoes? Like those, but in your penis.
Of course, I had numerous questions about the actual effect of this surgery. Does a pumped up penis feel like a real erect penis to the woman? Can the guy still come? Does sex feel the same to the guy? Does it look funny when a guy repeatedly squeezes his sack before sex? Do you tell the girl or do you try and play it off? Disappointingly, she had no good answers for these questions. Her reason: "I don't know what it's like; I don't sleep with these men. It's not a porn movie in there. I'm just their nurse."
3. Women can get a surgically created penis. I shit you not. By creatively arranging the skin around the vagina, a doctor can create an organ that looks just like a normal penis. Then they insert the same penile implant as above, put the pump in the surgically created scrotum sack, and, well, she has a working penis. Without close examination, it is difficult to tell the difference between that and a real penis. Nurse Cratched told one story about a woman who came in and had this surgery done, and then got a tattoo of an anchor on the underside of her new penis. She said she got it so she could "drop anchor."
Once the mechanics were understood, I had dozens of philosophical questions for her. What if a woman with a surgically created penis has sex with a man? Is that homosexual or heterosexual? What if she has sex with a woman? Does the woman consider this a heterosexual or homosexual experience? She had no idea. I did find out that once the surgery is complete, the woman can pee standing up.
4. Your penis can get gangrene. She told us about a guy who came in with such advanced gangrene on his penis, he had to have it lanced. Can you imagine that pain? When asked how his penis got this way, he said his girlfriend bit his cock, the cut became infected, and he just ignored it, hoping it would go away. How do you not get that looked at sooner? Maybe I'm strange, but if I have an infected cut on my penis, I'm getting that fucker looked at. Immediately. Like "call-the-fucking-ambulance-and-get-me-to-the-ER-RIGHT-FUCKING-NOW" immediately. But that's just me.
The best part about this conversation was Nurse Cratched herself. She is very good looking. Hot even. And all she does all day is deal with middle-aged men's penis's and assholes. Imagine being an impotent man going in to get a penile insert, and a 5'10" hot blonde is your nurse? Might cure that impotence. She said she gets propositioned several times a day, which to me is incredible. I guess if you're going to get a penis pump put in, you might as well give it a shot. What do you have to lose? Obviously not self-respect. She told us that she has never dated a patient or someone that a patient tried to set her up with. One time, a man offered to pay her $200 just to meet his son. She turned him down, because "What if I liked him? I could never look at him without thinking about the suppository I had put in his dad's ass. Could you? That would be too weird."
Posted by at 11:58 PM