I was in Gainesville last night hanging out with my buddy Ryan. Let me just say this much: If UF doesn't have the hottest girls in America, it has to be in the top 5. You would be hard pressed to find a school with more astoundingly hot girls than UF. If you are a male in high school, you're a fool if you don't at least visit this place when considering colleges. I grew up in Kentucky and am a diehard UK fan so it truly pains me to complement UF in any way (except to congratulate them for coloring in the lines), but only a fool would deny the incredible beauty of the girls on this campus...
Well, I should say the beauty of MOST of the girls on this campus. And yes, there is a short behind this:
Last night this group of five girls came over to Ryans place to go out with us. Of the five, two were legitimately pretty hot. So I ask one her major. She kinda hesitates:
Tucker "Do you not know your major?"
Girl1 "Of course I know it, but...I don't know, people make fun of me."
Tucker "Just tell me."
Girl1 "Event planning."
Tucker "HAHHHHAHHAHHAHAA--They are right to make fun of you. Event planning! Wait--so can I throw a party and have you plan it? And that can be college credit for you?"
Girl1 "Well, no. I haven't even started any classes in my major yet."
Tucker "You mean there are things to learn? JUST THROW A PARTY!"
Girl1 "No, its not that easy. Today was my first class in my major and they were asking us what experience we had. All these kids have done all these things, but I really didn't have anything to say. I just said that I wanted to plan weddings like J.Lo and so I can marry Mathew McConaughey."
I was so shocked I just kinda stopped. Either this girl completely pulled one over on me and made one of the funniest jokes I'd heard in months...or she is possibly the dumbest girl I've ever met. I paused and stared...waiting for her to laugh...
...still waiting...
Girl1 "What?"
Tucker "Please, please tell me you are kidding. You did not say that in class."
With a totally serious expression, she said:
Girl1 "No, I did. What?"
I mean, what the fuck do you say to that? What could you possibly say? At this point, I might as well be speaking a totally different language than this girl. I'm honestly not sure how to communicate with someone this stupid, except for grunts and the universals, like putting your hands around you neck to indicate choking. You want to know why Hollywood keeps putting out stupid movies? Because there are people like this out there. A lot of them apparently, and they are majoring in things like 'Event Planning.'
Still awestruck by this girls stupidity, I move on to the other hot girl. She was the one that had emailed me to come out, and was much smarter than her friend (though I am thinking that this could also be said for several of Ryans appliances). She was pretty into me the whole night, but no matter what we did, her annoying friend kept butting in. You know the friend I am talking about--the loud, obnoxious fat girl that, because she gets no attention from any guys becomes the mother hen of the group, hell bent on ensuring that her friends don't hook up. Yeah, she was out with us also.
We go to a bar and the FatGirl finds some other drama to get involved in and leaves me and HotGirl alone, and Ryan with his girl. After a few hours the girl Ryan is with has her hands down his pants and he takes her somewhere else, and HotGirl is all over me, so we decide to leave the bar to go hook-up. Since I am so used to dealing with women and not 20 year old idiot college girls, I made a critical error: I assumed that Fat Girl had just gone to get a large pizza and find a black guy to fuck her and would leave us alone. I was wrong.
HotGirl and I walk out of the bar, and I hail a cab and get in. FatGirl lumbers up and literally bear hugs HotGirl before she can get in the cab, nearly tackling her to the curb. I laughed at first:
Tucker "OK, stop playing around, come on, let's go."
FatGirl "I WON'T LET YOU HOOK UP WITH MY FRIEND! I AM CALLING HER BOYFRIEND!"
Oh Christ. Not another night like this. Didn't I already live this story?
I try to get HotGirl back into the cab, and she starts to come over, but FatGirl wrestles her phone and purse away from her and pulls her away. You know, I want to fuck HotGirl, but not so much I am willing to wrestle Janice Soprano to do it, so I just say 'fuck it' and leave.
The worst part:
The girl that was all into Ryan had literally told him earlier that since her other friend was hooking up with me, that she felt comfortable hooking up with him. Well, after FatGirl cock-blocked me, she called up Ryans girl, told her what happened, and that girl left him. She cock-blocked not one but TWO guys in a single night. If there were a Fat Girl Olympics, this bitch would compete for the cock-blocking gold.
The best part:
About an hour after I got home, HotGirl's boyfriend called my phone (HotGirl had my number). He left this hilarious rambling message, calling me out by saying things like, "yeah, you are a good writer, but no one believes your stories." What? Are all UF guys this sad? If you are going to be that sorry ass guy who, when your girlfriend is caught cheating, gets mad at the guy and not at her, at least complete the cliche and challenge me to a fight.
Look dude, I am sorry that your girlfriend wanted to fuck me. I am sorry that she made out with me in a bar packed with your friends. I am really sorry that only the hysterics of a fat girl stopped her from, in her own words, "fuck(ing) the shit" out of me. And I am really sorry that she found the need to tell me about you and where you fall short. From everything she told me about you, you might want to get used to your girlfriends cheating on you and dumping you because it sounds like it is going to happen a lot. Nature can be cruel at times.
EDIT: I totally forgot to write about this: Possibly the funniest part of the night was the various individual conversations I had with the girls themselves. They were possibly the cattiest bitches I've ever met. Every girl talked shit about every other girl. HotGirl told me that FatGirl was always playing "den mother" but that she fucked all kinds of guys in secret. Then one of the other girls told me that HotGirl had come out to fuck me and cheat on her boyfriend because he had fucked some other friend of his. It was insane--like falling into a soap opera.
EDIT2: I have received a lot of email from UF girls telling me that these girls suck and not to judge the whole school by them, and I just want to emphasize that I totally agree. The next night I stayed in Gainesville and went out with a different set of girls, and they were cool as shit and we all had a great time, just about everyone else I met was really cool, and I cannot wait to come back in November for the UF/FSU game.
Posted by Tucker Max at 9:05 PM