One of my friends got married recently. All my other friends weddings were in places like Vegas or the Outer Banks, but not this one. Nope, my boy got hitched in Akron, Ohio. Really. The only cool thing about it was that I got to see a bunch of guys I knew from college and hadn't seen in a long time.
We all collected at someone's house who happens to live in the area, and start drinking and catching up on the last three years or so. Then we head out to find the "night life" in Akron...yeah. That was a real fucking blast. It was like looking for the clean part of a dirty ass.
As we are leaving a bar, an attractive girl with two other girls and a guy walk by me. As she walks by, I say,
Tucker "Hey, you want to go to a wedding with me tomorrow?"
She stops, looks me up and down, and replies, "Maybe. Where are you guys going right now?"
Tucker "Anywhere you are."
Girl "You can come with us," she motions to her friends getting into a taxi, "we're going to get something to eat."
Tucker "Don't offer if you're not serious."
Girl "I'm very serious. Come with me." I wish I could bottle the seductive look she gave me.
I hop into the car with them, don't even say goodbye to my friends, and head off. We go to some shit-hole bar/restaurant, and actually have a great time. The girl who invited me, her name is--I shit you not--Janet Jackson, and she turns out to be very cool (and very into me). I've got the perfect amount of alcohol in me, so I'm lighting the table up with jokes about our waitress, who was obviously coked-out, the Akron night life, and the other single girl at the table, who told me that, and I quote, "My boyfriend is with his wife tonight."
Eating time over, we get into another taxi, and I don't really pay attention to what's going on until we pull into the driveway of a house. Janet turns to me and says, "You're getting out with me." Okay. We get to her bedroom, she puts on Indigo Girls or Abba or something, lights about six candles, and we had all kinds of great sex.
The next morning I wake up at 9am, and call up Reilly to find out when and where the pre-wedding golf game is supposed to be that morning. He gives me directions, and I wake Janet up. As she is getting ready, she asks me to write down my number so that she can call me that night to meet up again.
I cannot find a pen in her room, so I venture out to the other rooms on the top floor. No pens, but the rooms are filled with toys, coloring books, very small beds, Powerpuff curtains...oh no.
Tucker "Do you have kids?"
Janet "Yes, but they're with their dad this weekend."
Relieved, I search the rest of the house, and cannot, for the life of me, find anything normal to write with.
I end up writing my number...on a piece of yellow construction paper...with a red crayon...that I found in her daughter's room.
I hate myself.
Posted by at 11:41 PM