So today I am eating breakfast at Phillipe's, a famous spot in LA. I go to the bathroom to piss, and all the urinals are occupied so I have to use a stall. As I am pissing someone calls me and instead of just waiting till I was done like a normal person, I fumble with my cell...and drop my car keys right into the toilet bowl.
I stood there for a good ten seconds contemplating what the fuck I had done. Not only was my piss in the bowl, the water was yellow when I got there...and there were shit marks on the side of the bowl.
FUCK.
I momentarily contemplated just ditching it and buying a new car, but even though I am doing well financially, I'm not doing anywhere near that great. Well what the fuck do I do now? I am not putting my hand in there. Then it popped into my head:
I went a block away to where I had seen a bunch of homeless people hanging out (LA is crawling with disgusting vagrants) and walked up to a group of them:
Tucker "Any of you want to make ten dollars? All you have to do is get my keys out of the toilet at Phillipes."
They kinda stood there staring at me for a minute, then one of them agreed and followed me to the bathroom.
When he saw the toilet, he paused and said, "Do you have the money?" I produced the cash and without missing a beat he reached into the yellowish brown water like it was a mountain spring and grabbed them. He tried to hand them to me:
Tucker "What the fuck? Put them in the sink."
He placed them under the faucet, I gave him the money and he left. Then I let the water run over them for five minutes, got a cup of bleach from the busboy, and let them soak while I ate.
This was the only time in my life I have ever been happy that homeless people exist.
Posted by Tucker Max at 9:23 PM