I went to dinner tonight with a good friend of mine, we'll call her "Karen". Her husband, also a good friend of mine, plays pro-hockey so he is always out of town, and considering that she loves to go out, and doesn't mind paying for everything, I am always up for hanging out with her (and no, you naughty little monkey, I do not hook up with her at all, our friendship is purely platonic. I'd tell you if we were fucking).

Anyway, she also has two daughters, ages 3 and 1, and they are the cutest little girls ever. "Caitlin" is the 3 yr old, and "Cassie" is the 1 yr old, and they always come out with us when we go to dinner.

The restaurant we chose this night was Houston's, but there was a 30 minute wait for a table. No big deal, especially considering that the hostess is stunning. She is legitimately hot. Caitlin (the 3 yr old) and I are best friends, so I make her a deal. I tell her I'll get her ice cream for dessert if she talks to the pretty hostess for me. She agrees, and I give her instructions. She dutifully memorizes her lines, walks right up to the hot hostess, tugs on her tight black dress, and says:

Caitlin "Excuse me."
Hostess "Oh my god...you are so precious. What can I do for you?"
Caitlin "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Hostess "Ohhhh, you are soooo cute...no, sweetie, I don't have a boyfriend."
Caitlin "I know the perfect guy for you!!"
[On cue, she turns and points to me, and I walk up and pick her up in my arms]
Tucker "I'm sorry, was she bothering you?"
Hostess "Oh my goodness no...she is so adorable...is she yours?"
Tucker "Mine? Oh no, I can barely take care of myself; I could never keep up with her. [I turn to Caitlin, still in my arms] Caitlin, who I am?"
Caitlin "YOU'RE UNCLE TUCKER!!!" [she proceeds to give me a big kiss on the cheek and a hug around the neck]

The Academy should give Caitlin a fucking Oscar. She delivered her scripted lines perfectly, even improvising beautifully with the "uncle Tucker" bit. And I should get an award for choreography or something.

At that point, the hostess was nearly in tears she was so overwhelmed by the scene, and as I went on to explain to her the situation, how I was helping my friend take care of her kids when her husband was out of town, on a Saturday night no less, well...I got her number and we're going on a date next week. Stay tuned. Unless of course, the date goes well; then I won't tell you a thing, you goddamn voyeur.


Tucker's date confuses, excites, depresses (Follow-up from above story)
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I will update you on my date the following Friday with the girl who I now affectionately refer to as "Sybil."

We meet for dinner, and she looks amazing, even better than I remember. I immediately turn on the "A" game; I'm being witty, charming, humble...everything is going perfectly. I suggest we get some drinks afterwards, but she wants to cut the night short because she claims she has to get up early for work, and thus wants to go home after we finish eating.

This confuses me because she works at a restaurant that does not open until noon on Saturday. This might lead me to believe she was blowing me off, BUT she was giving "fuck me" behavior all night--light touches on the arm, deep eye contact, exaggerated laughing at my jokes, exposing her neck, stroking the stem of her wine glass, etc.

Oh well; it is dangerous to dabble with the whims of women, so I agree to call her later in the week, kiss her on the cheek and we part ways.

Not even 5 minutes later I get a call on my cell phone from her. I quote, "I was going to call and thank you for a great night, but you know what, I do want to go get a drink, so come join me." Confused, I ask her if this her first bout with schizophrenia. She laughs and tells me a bar to meet her. Normally, I would reverse the situation with the girl, and tell her I had already made plans for the rest of the night, but this girl was just too hot for that bullshit, so I agree.

She takes my suggestion for beer, and we both drink Yuengling for three hours (obviously a cool girl if she drinks Yuengling), and when the bar closes, I walk her outside to her car. The inevitable moment of awkwardness approaches, and as I debate how I should end the night, she blurts out,

Girl "That Yuengling was really good beer. Do you have any at your place to drink?"
Tucker "Excellent...of course I do, just follow me to my place."

The funny thing was, I actually did have Yuengling at my place, which only added to the effect.

We end up hooking up. A lot. To the point where the girl literally wakes me up at 4am and at 6am to go again. I'm feeling pretty hot; I mean, this gorgeous girl is waking me up at ungodly hours for seconds, thirds and fourths. She can't get enough of me. I figure it's some synergistic combination of her intense attraction to me and my god-like sexual prowess. Right?

Wrong. It was a desperate cry for validation.

The next morning we are talking, and she starts crying...and then confiding in me...about her ex-boyfriend...of two years...who dumped her three months ago...and their broken engagement...and the cancelled marriage, which, I swear to my God, had been scheduled for the next Saturday...and how she can't believe she did this...and what's he going to think...and how she's never done this before...and how bad she feels...

Is it me? Am I doing something? Do I have a sign above my head? Do I have some smell about me that attracts these girls? Are the dating gods punishing me for something?

Oh wait--I am a fucking asshole who feeds their low self-esteem. Nevermind.