My old agent wanted me to get a monthly column with Esquire, so he had me write this soec column for them. They sent me the bolded question and asked me to write about it. Below is what I sent them.

"I just started dating a woman. What's the best movie I can rent that will guarantee that I'll get some action?"

Is this serious? I can't believe that you asked this question. There is no movie--not one single movie--that will guarantee you'll get some action. The only movie that guarantees sex is the one that you star in.

It's not just movies: There's not some "magic formula" that "will guarantee you some action." You think getting laid is like playing Grand Theft Auto? Just hit a hooker or enter a cheat code and you get your little pencil wet (And by the way, what kind of phrase is that, anyway--"getting action?" Who says this?)? Women require much more understanding than some one-size-fits-all factoid.

Let's step back, look at the whole picture, and see what technique in terms of movie selection you can learn that will increase your chances to get laid, no matter how little game you have:

The only time movie selection is even an issue is that period between the time after you've met her but have not closed the deal. If you are six months into the relationship and are still worried about movie selection, then just stop reading right now, because you have much bigger problems than this piece can address.

The good news is, if she has agreed to watch a movie with you at your place, then the girl is at least thinking about hooking up with you. If she was primarily concerned about seeing a movie, she'd want to go to a theatre. This being the case, your movie selection should be something that facilitates your goal of getting laid. In order to figure this out, you need to figure
some things out about yourself and the girl first.

If you are pretty sure that she wants to hook with up with you as much as you want to hook up with her, then watching a movie is just a pretense for gettin' busy. In this case, you want to pick something that both of you have seen--a classic like Usual Suspects or Goodfellas--and just let the night take it's course. Picking a movie that is universally liked and very re-watchable makes her comfortable, gives you both something to watch during lulls in conversation, and is easy to ignore if she is dumb enough to let you touch her boobies.

DO NOT pick a chick flick or a horror movie. A romantic movie does nothing to put the girl in the mood and, if anything, makes the whole process harder. Either she will compare you to the hero in the movie, thus making you look like shit--because no real-life male is Richard Gere in Pretty Woman--or she will actually pay attention to the movie and not to you or your advances. Regardless, you lose.

Scary movies are not as bad, but do basically the same thing: If the girl likes them, she'll watch the movie and not pay attention to you; if she doesn't, it puts a weird spin on the night. After all, what kind of guy picks Halloween for a date movie?

If you're unsure about where you stand with her, you need to do more recon. The best way to do this is to make her part of the selection process. Instead of pre-selecting the movie, go to Blockbuster with her and make the act of picking out a movie part of the flirting process. This way you can peruse the selections with her as you crack jokes, shamelessly flirt, and find out information about her and her interest in you.

For instance, if she is very deferential to you on the selection, that probably means she is into you and would like you to take charge and select the movie, because she knows it won't ultimately matter what you pick (i.e., she wants you). Or it could mean she is already sick of you and wants to leave. Not that you would recognize the difference.

Or, if you are lazy or poor, you can have her select a movie from your personal collection. There are several benefits to this: if you have a cool selection of DVD's and she's a big movie buff, it will make you look good. You might be able to ascertain her intentions by what she picks; if she selects Braveheart, you know you are in. If she picks Sweet November, you may be in for a painful night. Of course, if you own a copy of Sweet November, you deserve the pain you goddamn pussy. (And for God's sake, hide all your Girls Gone Wild DVD's before you let her look at your movies. Even though at some point you'll need to tell her that you are a disgusting pervert, wait until you've dated her for awhile.)

Another tactic you can take if you think you are still trying out for the team, is to pick something that can help you showcase your desirability as a mate. If you're funny, pick a movie that has a lot of unintentional comedy, something that can be easily mocked. DO NOT pick a true comedy, because you can't improve on Caddyshack. Instead, pick something like Con Air--a movie that is not supposed to be funny but is so stupid it can't help but be hilarious. Then just make the obvious jokes, and you are in. Well, at least more in than you were before, when you wanted to watch Kate and Leopold.

Do not pick boring movies or intense action movies so that you can try and display your intelligence. Selecting Blackhawk Down because you like the fights scenes and can lecture on small troop movement in hostile urban terrain is a guaranteed way to spend the rest of the night surfing the internet for free MILF porn.

The only way something like this works is if she is attracted to you because of your intelligence, if the subject is interesting to her, and if you don't seem condescending or dorky when you talk about it. Yes, I have used displays of intelligence in the past to great effectiveness, but they have to be short-winded and seem spontaneous. If she is genuinely interested, then you can expound, but for god's sake, do not bring her to your place to watch Jurassic Park and talk about the intricacies of paleobiology--unless that is something she likes. I bet that'll be a real interesting date.

Remember: Your movie selection, by itself, is not going to get her to hook up with you. Your behavior, your attitude, how you smell, how you talk to her--that is what makes her want to touch your penis. What a movie can do is either set the tone, help highlight your attractiveness, or both. And make sure and clean your apartment and wash your ass before she comes over, because if you are asking a question like this, your problems probably go way beyond movie selection.

If all of this advice is too difficult for you to comprehend, you can always just go with the standard Tucker Max method--throw in Scarface, pay no attention to the movie, get real drunk, make shameless and obvious advances, and hope she has loose morals.