I recently visited my friend in Naples, and let me tell you: The city of Naples is a complete and unadulterated shit hole. There is nothing to do there. It is more boring than a cancer hospice.

I get there at about 2 in the afternoon and I'm hanging out with my friend Paul and we have a few beers, which become a lot of beers. Paul has a gambling problem, and the next thing I know we're watching some random horse races on channel 426, calling up an offshore bookmaking website that Paul uses for football, trying to make bets on the races. We get through with 2 races left, and Paul and I make about 30 of the most idiotically complex bets possible. We're triple boxing trifectas, double boxing exactas, I'm making stuff up about buying put options on our bets--it was sweet, drunken bedlam.

The two races end, the living room walls are coated with the beer we sloshed around while cheering for our horses, and we still have no idea if we won anything. Neither of us can remember who we bet on. Paul calls up the bookmaking website, and HOLY SHIT, we are up like $200, all from a series of random 10 dollar bets.

Of course, this sets off a feeding frenzy. Paul logs onto the site on his computer, and I whip up some martinis. We begin recklessly betting money on everything possible; roulette, blackjack, baseball games, anything. Mind you, this is an internet casino. We are screaming and drinking, jumping up and down, sloshing vodka all around his study. We must have lookedlike some cracked out retarded ditch monkeys. The funny thing is that we are consistently winning; we finished up about $500 for the day. Finally, his girlfriend comes into the room, looks at me, and goes,

"The sad part is, he's like this even when you aren't here," turns, and walks out. Paul and I laughed for ten minutes, and then went to dinner.

Dinner sucked. The highlight was when I ask the waiter if he has ever slept with a midget.

We end up at around 2am going to a real-life speak-easy. Seriously. Except there is no gambling, because the back room where the have all the gambling isn't done yet. Typical Naples.

The highlight of the night is this hot Czech girl I met there. Except I could only talk to her for like 3 minutes. Why? She fucking smelled. No, I don't think you understand--she smelled REAL, REAL BAD. She honestly stunk like a fucking homeless person. Her body odor was bad enough, but the sad part is, I would have hung in there--Naples was that boring, and she was that hot.

But what kept me from hitting on her was her breath. It could have melted steel. I've never seen, or smelled, anything like it.