I'm at the dog park today, and as usual, Marley finds a cute dog and begins humping him. No awkward approaches, no expensive dinners, no foreplay, just a few seconds of ass-sniffing and then they start going at it. Dogs have it easy.

The dog's owner takes this as a cue to start talking to me. She was, in a word, unattractive. Ugly even. Her dearth of physical beauty did not stop her from aggressively engaging me in conversation. It took about 5 minutes for me to realize that she was 1) crazy and 2) in love with me. My favorite quote from her pointless, disjointed ramblings: "Look at them go at it...I haven't done that in a while...the last time I got humped like that I was skinny...I should start working out again."

Consider the situation: I'm at a dog park, an ugly girl is shamelessly hitting on me, and I'm watching my dog ravenously ass-pillage another male dog. What would you do?

I decide to start saying the most ridiculous things I can think of, hoping she'll decide I'm not good for her. The next ten minutes of conversation saw these gems pass my lips:

"I have a really small penis."

"How do you say, 'She was dead when I got here' in Spanish?"

"I think I might be homosexual."

"I like to go to the playground and give candy to children. Just to freak out their parents."

"I don't have a job. Or even any prospects."

"I used to be very spiritual. That was until I realized that God makes fun of me behind my back."
"My doctor thinks I might have cancer. And AIDS."

"I'm desperately poor. Could you loan me some money?"

"I don't think my crystal meth usage qualifies as an addiction quite yet."

The hoped for effect, revulsive horror, was not achieved. In fact, the Gods of Irony struck, and she thought I was hilarious. Uproariously funny. In tears laughing at me. Oblivious to the clues, she eventually asked for my number. I gave her the number of one of my friends who has trouble getting dates (those of you who know him well call him "Skippon.") They're both desperate; it'll be great. I'm such a nice person.

Posted by at 11:06 PM

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