I love to masturbate. Even if I know I am going to get laid, I'll usually still rub one out. God bless free internet porn.

But it wasn't always like this for me. I grew up mainly in central Kentucky, where the entire topic of masturbation was completely taboo. I wasn't even fully sure of what masturbation was until I got to be like 13 or 14 (remember--this is pre-internet porn), I just knew it was awful and anyone suspected of it was summarily mocked.

I lost my virginity on my 16th birthday, before I had ever masturbated. Don't get me wrong; I had plenty of porn under my bed that I stole from my uncle, I just thought you were supposed to look at it. I had no idea it had an actual functional purpose.

Then more than a year later, when I was 17, I was hanging out with a girl in my basement. She refused to sleep with me, and said she didn't like to give head. Fucking great. Now what? Then she started to give me a hand job. I liked it a lot, and came relatively quickly (I also made sure to come all over her, which did not please her).

The next day I call her to come over and she is busy. I can't find any other girls to come over, and then it dawns on me: what she did yesterday...I could do that myself. I have two hands, I can rub them up and down my cock just like she did.

So I did. For the first time in my life, I jacked myself off.

Lo and behold--I was even better at it than she was. I'm a fucking natural!

She called the next day:

Girl "Hey, can I come over?"
Tucker "Do you want to have sex?"
Girl "No--I told you, I don't want to have sex until college."
Tucker "Will you go down on me?"
Girl "No, I don't like that. But we can, you know, do the other thing. But you need to be more careful this time...where you go."
Tucker "No, just forget it. I've found someone better."

And that folks is the true fucking tale of how I learned to masturbate.

Posted by Tucker Max at 9:15 PM

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