One year Halloween night fell on Wednesday or something, and I was home because, well, I don't know why, it was several years ago, but I was home doing nothing in particular. I had completely forgotten it was Halloween night; at this point in my life, Halloween is just another excuse to get drunk and act like an asshole.

I'm sitting on my sofa watching TV or whatever, when I hear a knock at my door. Who could that be? I answer it, and find three of the cutest little kids I've ever seen, all dressed up, with their father behind them. I am mortified, because I have no candy, so I stall for time:

Tucker "What are you kids dressed up as?"
Kid #1 "I'm a pirate!"
Kid #2 "I'm Brittney Spears!"
Kid #3 "I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin!"
Tucker "Uhhh...I'm dressed up too. I'm pretending to be an adult, which is why I don't have any candy for you. Adults are responsible and remember things like Halloween. Tucker is pretending to be an adult, which is why he has nothing to eat in his house except vodka, beer, and Myoplex protein powder."

They just looked at me all confused as their father broke out laughing, thanked me, and herded them away from my door. After that, I turned off all the lights in my house. And then masturbated to Asian transsexual porn.

OK, maybe not, but that would be kinda funny if I did.

Posted by at 11:49 PM

Print Friendly · Digg it · del.icio.us · StumbleUpon · Netscape