Friday me and some friends from college, who are all lawyers, went to a happy hour for some associate that was leaving his firm. We began with Tequila and Jaeger shots. Excellent. Numerous beers later, we go to this incredibly upscale yuppie bar. I was bored, so I start throwing my cocktail napkins and miniature straws on the floor every time I got a drink. Some were amused. Others were not.

Anyway, several vodka and Red Bulls later, we go to late dinner. It's me, my friend Jim, his girlfriend, two female associates from his firm, and a male associate. It comes out that Jim, his girlfriend, and I are going to midget boxing on Saturday night. This is a very abbreviated version of what followed:

The two girls go ballistic. All sorts of histrionics about what horrible people we must be. My point is that it's not like if everyone stops going to midget boxing, these guys suddenly become neurosurgeons. They just become unemployed. That, and they're adults, we should treat them like such. If you're a midget, and you want to box, you pretty much have to become a midget boxer; you're not going toe-to-toe with Evander Holyfield.

They respond with lots of fancy, meaningless words like "exploitation" and "commodification." They also tell me I need to read Catherine MacKinnon, some Andrea Dworkin, and perhaps even some Michel Foucault. Those names set off a bomb in the bar.

I had tried for a good ten minutes to let it go, but with Red Bull and vodka coursing through my veins, and the names of the anti-christs being thrown around so flippantly, I let loose. Absolutely unleashed. I eventually start throwing out words like "fascist" and "not content to let people live their own lives" and "if you don't like stumpy people hitting each other, don't go see it" and "these are theories that only sound good or important to upper-middle-class-usually-white-people who feel guilty about their status, and have taken enough benefits out of capitalism that they have the luxury of enough leisure time to actually think about this crap and go to $35K/year schools to learn it."

I point out that they were attorneys at very large Chicago firms, and if they really thought "commodification" and "exploitation" were meaningful concepts, perhaps they should look for other lines of work, and "stop milking the tit of the cow they were trying to slaughter." This last comment hit home. The male associate (who was on my side), finally quickly grabbed the check before blood was spilled.

Saturday at the midget bar. The only people exploited are us. It opens with this dwarf (and there are apparently differences between dwarfs and midgets), getting up on stage shouting "WHO WANTS TO SEE A MIDGET BLEEED TONIGHT?" Repeatedly. He then goes on this ten minute rant. His name was, and I shit you not, "Puppet the Psycho Dwarf," and he was the foulest dwarf on the face of the earth. He's pointing at girls in the audience, telling them that he could smell their pussy when he walked by, and talking about when he has them dog-style he'll have extra leverage because he'll be standing, not on his knees. And how he has a 12-inch inseam, so when he gets it up he can pole vault down the street. And the girls are going nuts loving it. One girl is offering to suck his dick at the top of her lungs. It was crazy.

Anyway, it turns out to be midget WWF. All fake. Poorly acted. I paid ten dollars to see this, which I desperately want back. And the fucking midgets are laughing all the way to the bank. The highlight came when this normal-sized guy got into the ring (part of the Act), and they accused him of wanting to be a midget. Then the three midgets beat the crap out of him. It was funny.
Then two normal sized guys got in the ring and started rapping. We left.

Midgets suck.

Posted by at 12:14 AM

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