I was out with some friends the other night and one of the girls with us, "Riti," got really, really drunk. She is somewhat manic and always does her own thing when we are out together, so I didn't really pay much attention to her. At one point I happened to glance over to see her leaving the bar with a group of black and Hispanic guys.

One of my other friends wanted to retrieve her, but I stopped her, "Let her go. She knows what she's doing and she can pay the consequences of her actions." Little did I know there would be more than one person paying for her actions...

About two hours later my friends and I ended up stopping at my place between bars because I wanted to pick something up. As I walked up the stairs, I was greeted by quite the sight:

Laying in front of my door like a pile of horseshit, is none other than Riti. Crumpled in her left hand she has her yellow thong underwear.

Tucker "What the hell are you doing?"
Riti "Oh my god...I'm so drunk...Tucker, you have no idea what I had to do to get a cab back here."
Tucker "Look at yourself...I bet your parents are very proud."

The best part was that my fucking door was unlocked but the drunk idiot never bothered to try it. I told her go to sleep on my bed, that I'd be home eventually and if I was with a girl I'd just move her to the sofa.

For once in my life I was happy that I didn't hook up. If I did not have a picture, I would not even attempt to tell this story. View image.

Yes, that dark stain is exactly what you think it is. THE FUCKING GIRL PISSED MY BED. She got so drunk she urinated all over her pants, my sheets, and my mattress.

I was in complete and utter shock. I literally invented Tucker Max Drunk, and I have never even pissed my bed. Vomiting, now that's a different issue:
Thrown up in my bed--Check.
Thrown up on my dog--Check.
Thrown up on an MTV producer--Check.
Thrown up on a girl's ass while fucking her doggy style--Check.
But never PISSED in it.

The shock quickly turned into anger. Had it not been my bed, I would have pissed on her. Instead, I just yelled at her:

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU PISSED MY FUCKING BED YOU STUPID FUCKING WHORE! YOU DISGUSTING BAG OF DONKEY SHIT--I SHOULD CUT YOU BITCH."

And so forth and so on until I used up just about every insult and epithet I could think of. Despite my best effort at verbal abuse, she barely even moved from her slumber. Since yelling was not working, I decided to take a different tact.

I took her hand, wiped it all over the dark urine stain on her pants, and then smeared it all over her face, mouth and hair. I repeated this several times until I could no longer stand the smell.

POST SCRIPT: This event happened in April of 2003, and the story was published in June of 2003. In July of 2003, the gods of alcohol decided that there wasn't enough irony in my life: The Pee Blame.

Posted by Tucker Max at 11:29 AM

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