Since she first appeared in my stories, Jez has become a very good friend of mine, and a nearly constant source of humorous stories and ridiculous quotes. I am tempted to have her start her own page and type about her life for thirty minutes every day. I guarantee the harrowing combinations of words she could string together would become quite the internet phenomenon, rivaling Maddox's or my page.

One of her best conversations with me was a few weeks ago. I had Jez come over for dinner, and before she even sat down to eat, the fun began. She started talking about her first marriage. She's the daughter of a strict Southern Baptist Preacher, and ended up getting married at age 19 to the son of a preacher from a neighboring town. Even though she was 19 and had gone to high school, she was very naïve and completely clueless about the world.

For example, when she would get mad at her parents she would go and crawl into her bed, lock the door, turn off the lights, pull down the shades, and flip them off...under the sheets. Then she would cry to herself because she felt so guilty. This continued until she was WELL into her teens.

So after a very short engagement, she and her fiancé set a date. Jez knew NOTHING about sex, and her fiancée hadn't even tried to touch her breasts, so she decided to learn something before she got married. To further this end, Jez went to a porn store. She described it as such:

Jez "I went to a sex shop, because you know, I had never even seen a man naked."
Tucker "WAIT--What? You were 19 and engaged and you had never even SEEN a naked man."
Jez "NO! I know, it seems crazy now but that's the truth. I stood there for hours just staring at the pictures on the boxes, getting an idea of what a penis looked like."
Tucker "WAIT, WAIT--You had never even seen a PICTURE of a penis? At age 19?" Jez "No, no idea what they looked like. It came as something of a shock. I didn't expect it to be so veiny and ugly. But I looked at all of them: long, short, thick, thin, black, white, curved, straight. I had no idea there were so many varieties."

Not satisfied with just looking at pictures of dicks, she bought two tapes so that she could fully educate herself on proper sexual technique --one about sexual tricks and one about proper blowjob technique.

Tucker "You actually bought a video tape about how to give blowjobs."
Jez "Oh yeah, and a dildo to practice on. By the time I got married, I was sucking dick like a gay man. I can make a guy come in like 30 seconds from head."
Tucker "Bullshit. Prove it."

She denied my request, instead telling me about the first time she tried her newly acquired techniques:

Jez "OK, so right after we got married, literally as we were driving to our hotel, I tried to go down on him, you know, give him road head. Now, I had never done this but I was excited about it--you know--it's sex! WELL! I start unbuckling his pants and he stiffens up and before I can really even get his penis out of his pants he gets all serious and says, 'My conscience won't allow me to do this.'"
Tucker "No fucking way."
Jez "Yes! OH--but that's not the worst part. So we get to the hotel and I am kinda nervous, you know, because this is my first time but I'm excited to try everything out. We get into the room--a Holiday Inn because he is poor and cheap--and I sit on the bed, and he comes over next to me and says, 'Let us pray.'"
Tucker "You can't be serious."
Jez "Oh believe me! Wait--but that's not all! So he prays for at least 30 minutes, and--"
Tucker "30 MINUTES?? HE'S 21 AND NEVER HAD SEX AND HE WAITS ANOTHER 30 MINUTES SO HE CAN FUCKING PRAY?? Why didn't he just pray on the drive there? I mean, since he's not comfortable with road head, he could have at least used his time productively."
Jez "You're telling me--but look--he prays for like 30 minutes, and then when he is finally done, he turns to me and in this serious voice goes, "Let's begin.""
Tucker "How romantic."

She went on to describe how miserable the experience was, but I don't have the heart to get into that in this story. The only good quote from that whole part of the story was this exchange:

Tucker "So did he go down on you?"
Jez "No...he said he was afraid of what it was going to taste like."
Tucker "Have you ever tasted yourself?"
Jez "No, I don't taste myself, but when guys go down on me I like to kiss them, and I've been told I really taste good. That's pretty cool for me."

Another glass of wine and Jez really let loose. She told me about one time right before her surgery (to remove her other vagina) she had a little problem:

"Well, you know me, I am like a man and I never read directions, so I took the Tampon and stuck the whole thing--applicator and all--right up in me and then it got stuck. Took me forever to get it out. I still couldn't figure out how to use them, mainly because my vagina was so small. One time I kneeled over a mirror and couldn't get it in no matter what I did, so my mother told me that if I wanted I could stand on my head and she would put it in for me. I did not take her up on that offer; however, if I did I may have known earlier about my crotch problem."

Then came the real clincher, that special moment that Jez and I seem to always have with each other. We started discussing some of her families vaginal issues, and she told me this story:

Jez "Well, one time, my sister was having problems with her vagina too. Things were feeling weird, and it was that time of the month, but she wasn't bleeding much, and she went to the gynecologist. The Ob/Gyn pulled out her tampon, but she had already had one in, and then pulled ANOTHER one out. She was walking around with three in there!"
Tucker "How did she not get toxic shock? I know if I was a girl I would worry about that constantly. Whenever I have a girlfriend I worry about it for her. Toxic shock is scary."
Jez "I don't know. She was fine. The last one did kinda smell though. OH--BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST! My other sister had the same problem, but much worse. She had a tampon stuck in her for months, and when the doctor pulled it out, pus exploded all over his face, and he THREW UP on her vagina! It was awful!"
Tucker [In complete silent disbelief]
Jez "Yeah, my whole family has crotch issues. Ha!"

Posted by at 11:58 PM

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