In the near future, I can see a recurring presence from a new friend of mine, "Jez."

I met Jez a few weeks ago, but didn't end up hanging out with her until last week, yet in the shosrt amount of time I've known her, this girl has been responsible for two of the funniest conversations I have ever had in my life.

Jez is one of the few people I have ever met who is able to command my attention all by herself. Most of the time I'm out, it's almost being like a game show host. I have to drive the conversation because I am inevitably the dominant one in the group, and people expect it from me because I'm Tucker Max.

Not with Jez. She has no social filter, no internal monologue, and she just loves to talk about the most intimate and personal events in her life. She's like a wind-up doll. Just give her a question or two about anything and set her loose. These quotes are from the first night I met her:

Her "I don't like beer, but I love beer breath."
Me "So if your boyfriend came home reeking of beer, you'd like that?"
Her "OH! LOVE IT! I'd rape his mouth."

Her "My dad has cancer."
Me "Oh man. I'm sorry. Is it benign or malignant?"
Her "I don't know...whatever the good kind is."

Me "Old people don't have that much sex."
Her "Oh, my parents do. They're like rabbits. ALL the time. I can't tell you how many times I've caught them."

Me "We had a conversation about pubic shaving today on my message board."
Her "I wax. I'm completely bald."
Me "Don't tell me that..."
Her "Why?"
Me "You're turning me on."
Her "What? What's erotic about that? I do it when I'm watching TV. American Idol is on, I'm tearing out my pubic hair."

"I go to my shrink in my pajamas. And I bring Chinese food."

"My mom remembers the exact day of my conception. She even tells me the story, 'Your dad didn't want to wear a condom, He said it was like showering with his socks on.'"

Those are pretty funny, but they are the appetizers, their only purpose to serve as a segway (ed note: I know I spelled that wrong but I am going to spell that in the American way and not the French way, and if you don't like it you can go fuck yourself, you stinking frog) into this incredible gem of a conversation:

We were talking about her first sexual experience, and related topics when she seemed to appear somewhat uncomfortable. She was not uneasy with the subject matter, but rather she seemed a little reticent with the story. I pressed forward:

Tucker "What? What's wrong?"
Jez "Oh nothing, it's just that, well, this is kinda weird and, not the subject matter I mean, but there is something about me that you probably need to know to understand things..."
Tucker "OK. What is it?"

She paused, but only as if to collect her thoughts and lay the mental outline in front of herself:

Jez "Well...I was born with two vaginas."
Tucker "What in the HELL are you talking about?"
Jez "Alright, you know how most women are born with three holes, right? The pee hole, the fuck hole and the butt hole? I was born with four holes...and two were fuck holes."

These were her exact words, so help me God.

She went on to explain that because she had been born into such a strictly religious environment (the daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher), she had had no sexual contact with boys until she was engaged (at age 19), and even then all she did with her fiancée was just kiss.

About three months before her wedding, totally on her own accord, she went to a gynecologist. After about a minute of examination, the gynecologist exclaimed, "Oh my god...hold on a minute," and called all kinds of people into the exam room.

So there lay a completely mortified 19 year old virgin, her legs high in the air and 6 doctors staring at her vagina.

They explained to her that she had a very rare condition where she literally had two fully formed vaginas, cervixes and uteruses, one right on top of the other, with about two inches of skin separating them. The problem was that both holes were tiny, and that neither could function properly as a result. The doctors scheduled a procedure for her a week later, and fixed it so that now she only has one vagina.

Even to this day she has issues,

"My vagina is tiny. I still have to use a little girl's speculum."

She allegedly can have normal sex now. I don't know about this, because I didn't hook up with her at all. Why?

Because there is no way I am going to squander what could become a great source of material just to get my little pencil wet. Please. I may be a callous asshole, but my art comes before my dick.

You can thank me later.

Posted by at 10:55 PM

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