Sorry about this story, it is really long but last night I came out of the existentialist bullshit funk I was in for the last three months, and now I am shitting out material left and right. I can't stop writing, so what should be a four paragraph post somehow turned into a mini-story. I normally would never put this much in so few events, but I don't know where else to put this, so here you go.

Welcome to the wonderful world of mania...I know it well:

Saturday I went to the Michigan/MSU game in Ann Arbor with my buddy D-Rock. We were up all night Friday, and left Chicago at 4am, because it's a 4 hour drive, the pre-gaming starts at like 8, and come on, who am I to get to a party late?

I get Red Bull for free, so D-Rock and I mainlined it and got to Ann Arbor wide awake. If by "wide awake" I mean "eyes bulging out of our skulls and twitching uncontrollably." Our parents went on coke benders, we drink 6 Red Bulls. Gotta love progress.

I put up a post on my blog asking people for good tailgating spots, and one of the best offers I got was from this guy named Dan who is a Theta Chi at Michigan. I get hundreds of emails a day, the vast majority of which suck or are stupid in some fundamental way, but this dude had this shit together. It was impressive--he laid out his frats entire game day ritual, offered me pledges to pick me up at the airport, asked for any special requests that I had--the dude should be a fucking press agent or something. My agency and studio didn't even treat me this well.

D-Rock and I pull up to Theta Chi and meet Dan. He introduces himself and immediately pulls out a sheet pan of jello shots to serve us. He informs us that they hired some homeless guy to do all the cooking and assorted domestic duties in the house. This fucking cracks me up. I know I want someone who lives under a bridge and eats banana peels to cook my food. I was hoping he'd tell me they have bum fights in the basement also, but no luck there.

One of the guys in the frat looked exactly--I mean EXACTLY--like kd lang, so I made the call on it.

Tucker "You gonna cover Roy Orbison for me or what?"
Guy "What?"
Tucker "I'll speak slow: You...look...like..kd...lang."
Guy "kd lang? Who is kd lang?"
Tucker "Are you kidding me? Are you sure you shouldn't be at Michigan State?"

His buddy, a guy with red hair wearing a camo hat tilted to the side started laughing. I took one look at him and made the obvious call--The Irish Master P.

Tucker "It's hard work, bein' a bidness man."
Irish Master P "I don't get it."
Tucker "I Got The Hook up? The greatest ghetto movie of all time."
Irish Master P "I still don't get it."
Tucker "You guys are fucking killing me."

We ended up at some house for the frat's football pre party. It was all guys. One of my friends from Detroit showed up with his girlfriend and like two girls. I immediately started fucking with Dan,

"Dude, if I bring more girls to your party then you, you need to just give up on life. You have failed."

I could barely finish my beer before that place was crawling with more pussy than the Clinique counter at Bloomingdales. It was absurd. Zero-to-whores-everywhere in like ten minutes. Why did I not go to a state school? I ask myself this question everyday.

At some point, D-Rock's girlfriend called him. She lives in a different city from him, doesn't like me and doesn't like him hanging out with me, but she could hear him at some sort of event. What did he do?

D-Rock GF "Where are you?"
D-Rock "In Michigan."
D-Rock GF "What are you doing in Michigan?"
D-Rock "Uhh...registering voters."

AND SHE BELIEVED HIM!!!! I couldn't stop laughing. That is my new saying for "I'm out getting drunk and fucking whores."

At this party, I saw one of the most amazing drinking related things ever: One of the brothers, Spike, was chugging a beer off by himself in the corner of the yard. I guess some of it went down wrong, because he started lurching then threw up in his mouth, swallowed it, shook his head a little to work it off and then went back to drinking. He unquestionably threw up--his eyes got red and watered, snot came out of his nose, some of the bile/beer spilled out of his mouth--and then he just took it all back in.

Look, I don't know this guy, I have no idea if he is hard or soft or cool or a dipshit, I barely even talked to him, but I will give credit where it is due: That was fucking AWESOME. I have never seen anyone do that. I am going to start practicing that. Talk about a cool party trick. The thing was, it's not like he did it as a party trick. I don't think he knew anyone was watching until I asked him if he threw up in his mouth.

There was one girl who was legitimately hot. No question she fucks too; she had that unmistakable college girl "I'm going to hop on as many cocks as possible until graduation" look about her. I was drunk and staring at her, and Irish Master P was like,

IMP "You want me to 'accidentally' push you into her so you can meet her?"
Tucker "That is awful. You are such a fucking amateur. Watch me--I wrote the fucking book on this."

I approached her (I can't remember my line--to be honest, it was mediocre at best, I kinda fumbled that one) and she talked to me for like two minutes and then turned her back on me.

I literally stopped and checked my face for boogers. I can't remember the last time a girl dissed me that hard. I seriously thought maybe someone set her up to do that to me, just to fuck with me. I looked around expecting Irish Master P to break out laughing, like I was on Punked or something. Nope. Apparently, I just suck.

I talk to like five more girls, and every single one brushes me off. Quickly. This confuses the shit out of me; even apart from this ridiculous website, my game is good. I can pick up girls pretty easily, but these girls were ignoring me like I was an unwashed beggar. Of course I asked Irish Master P what the fuck was going on. He laughs at me,

IMP "Dude, this is a Greek party at the University of Michigan. If you aren't in a fraternity or someone they know, you're no one."
Tucker "But I'm famous."
IMP "D list famous. You're a cult celebrity. To these girls, you aren't even as cool the dudes in this frat."
Tucker "Not as cool as YOU? YOU?? Find me a knife. I'm going to cut all these whores."

Some ugly girl who had no idea who I was claimed she could drink me under the table. Are you kidding? Do you know who you are talking to? I LITERALLY DO THIS FOR A LIVING. I told her it had to be for a bet. She told me to name the terms,

"If I win, I get to come on your face, and then wash it off with my piss."

That ended the discussion pretty quick.

I'm going to have to make the call--Michigan is WAY cooler than Notre Dame [I went to the Purdue/ND game earlier this year]. In every way. Better football environment, hotter girls, guys who aren't fucking douche bag jamooks--everything is better at Michigan. Were I a 17 year old high school senior and picking between those two for college, no question or debate--I would be a Wolverine. Sorry Notre Dame, I don't have a dog in this fight, I am just calling it like I see it. You guys suck.

The best part: We didn't even make it to the game, an unforgettable game where Mich beat MSU in triple overtime. I don't even want to talk about why--it's so fucking stupid it pisses me off to even think about it. We ended up having to drive back to Chicago that night because D-Rock had something he had to go to and had forgot it was that night. Of course, he passed out and didn't make it to his event, so we left Ann Arbor for no fucking reason. Great.

Posted by Tucker Max at 9:01 PM

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