When I lived in Austin, one night I was out with my friend Ryan. We began the night at some shitty bar that had $1 you-call-it. A $25 tab later, I called it getting real drunk.

From there, we walked down 6th street, when out of nowhere this smoking hot woman grabs us I and starts taking us to a bar. Being a completely self-absorbed narcissist, I figured she either recognized me or was enraptured with Ryan's hotness (regrettably, he is better looking than me).

Nope. She was a shill, just dragging guys into this bar called The Coppertank. So much for the gangbang. Undeterred by this minor set back, I start shamelessly flirting with her. She is loving me and buys Ryan and I shots and beers, and hangs out with us at the bar.

Free drinks are fun, but being disgusting is better, so I start making lewd suggestions about things she should let me put in her butt, when she informs me that she is married.

Tucker "Well were is your husband?"
Woman "At home with the kids."
Tucker "So he just pimps you out every night? He makes a woman as hot as you work?"
Woman "I want to work. Besides, it's easy. We own the bar, I can do what I want."
Tucker "You can do what you want? Then get me another drink, and be quick about it."

This woman was loving us. We drank free most of the night, and I don't remember much, but I do know that my time in the bar was a success, mainly because there were at least 8 girls pissed at me and about a dozen guys who wanted to kick my ass. I think two of the conversations went like this:

Me "You aren't hot enough to talk to me."
Girl "WHAT?"
Me "You heard me."
Girl "Yeah, well YOU aren't hot enough to talk to ME!"
Me "OK, if I'm not hot enough, then why are you still talking to me? Shouldn't you be with the hot people? Oh wait, that's me. Go on, the uglies are over there waiting for you."
Girl "Fuck you."
Me "You're still talking to me? I thought I wasn't hot enough for you to talk too. No wait--the reverse is true."
Girl "ASSHOLE!"

With another girl I commented on her clothes. She was dressed very...flamboyantly.

Me "Are you feeling OK?"
Girl "Yeah. Why?"
Me "Have you seen your clothes?"
Girl "What's wrong with my clothes?"
Me [eyebrow raise] "Well, you look like Carmen Miranda. Really. You have the fashion sense of Christopher Lowell on a bad batch of crystal meth. Were you riding the snake when you picked out your clothes?"

One girl was ugly and acting like a bitch. Someone had to put her in her place, and who better than me?

Tucker "Do you have a pen?"
Girl "No. Why?"
Tucker "I want to get your autograph."
Girl "Who do you think I look like?"
Tucker "The Incredible Hulk."
Girl "OH MY GOD!"

Her fat friend made the unfortunate mistake of coming to her defense.

Fat girl "How could you say that? I think she is very good looking."
Tucker "Are you kidding? I can't even feel my eyes anymore."
Fat girl "What a fucking asshole!"

This particular fat girl apparently was a big fan of the Navy, because she had on this weird looking quasi-sailor suit that was way to tight for her. Someone should have warned her.

Tucker "Ahoy, set sails for the Port of Mayonnaise! Petty Officer Puddingtime is out of Oreo's!"

Needless to say, I left the bar without female accompaniment.

2am comes and we head out into the street. Everyone is pouring out from all the different bars, and I see this hot girl staring at me. Jus fucking around, I motion for her to come over. She does. Then she starts talking to me like she knows me. Fine with me, whatever makes her want to fuck.

Not even two minutes later I suggest she get into a cab with me, she agrees and as we are waving one down, three of her friends rush over and pull her away from me, castigating her for almost leaving with me.

I just ignore them. It's never good style to sweat pussy. Nothing smells worse to a woman than desperation.

I pretend like everything is fine, and then look over about three minutes later, and no surprise--she is staring at me again. I smile, she smiles, and I motion for her to come back. She walks right over.

But once again, her friends follow her over and try to get her away from. Ryan tries to intervene like a wingman should, but there was nothing he could do. It was like one man trying to block the entire Baltimore Ravens defensive line--he didn't have a chance. The girls swarmed around him and attacked me.

The girl hugged on my arm while her friends pulled on her and yelled at her to get away from me. I half-heartedly tried to make fun of them, "Shouldn't you worry more about your expanding waistline then her sex life?," but they eventually pried her away from me. They had to force her hands off of me, she was holding on that tight, but they did get he away.

They carry her--literally pick her up and carry her--to another taxi and push her in. Ryan and I are laughing at this scene, but I'm kinda pissed about losing such an easy thing. They push her into the back seat of a taxi, and then pile in after her. Then we witness one of the most miraculous things I've ever seen:

She climbs across the back seat, opens the other side door, and steps out. Her friend who got into the cab after her lunges across the seat at her, grabs ahold of her shirt, but the girl pulled her shirt, broke free, and SPRINTS over to me.

I am in shock. The scene looks like a Benny Hill skit. I have never seen any girl want to me this badly. I couldn't have thrown a boomerang and had it come back to me any faster.

I immediately grab her, hop into a cab and pull off, and laugh at her friends who are running after the cab screaming and trying to wave it down.

We had lots of drunk sex, it was great, and the girl left in the morning.

Tucker--1
Cock-blocking bitches--0

POST SCRIPT: There is a back story I didn't know at the time. As it was going down, I didn't think I knew the girl at all, which made the event that much weirder to me. I thought she either recognized me from the site or just thought I was hot. Wrong.

It turns out that I actually had met the girl before, briefly, while out drinking with some friends on The Trudy's Challenge. That kind of burst my bubble a little bit; that event made me think I was so attractive I was enrapturing even to women I don't know. I guess I am only that enrapturing to women I have met once.

I also thought the girls were trying to keep her away from me because, well, I'm me, and girls should keep their friends away from me. In reality, it had nothing to do with me--the girl had a boyfriend, and they were trying to keep her from cheating on him. I didn't find this out until the next day when I called Ryan. He told me, "Dude, you missed the best part. When her friends came to get her the second time, the girl I was talking too said "I'm going to call her boyfriend, he'll come get her. She's going to do something bad, I just know it.""

I wondered why she acted so weird the next day. Sobriety brings consequences.

But that's not all. I had some friends in common with her, and not only did she have a boyfriend, but I knew her boyfriend...and her boyfriend HATED me.

You want to guess why she was so eager to fuck me?

Apparently her boyfriend had done something that really pissed her off--I never found out exactly what but I assume he cheated on her--so when she saw me out she decided to get back at him by fucking me.

I feel so cheap and used!!

Yeah right. If any of you attractive women out there want to fuck me to get back at your boyfriend, husband, or even girlfriend, feel free to contact me, or just find me. I live in Chicago and I am not hard to seduce. Especially if you have large breasts and/or a bar tab you are willing to share.

Posted by at 11:33 PM

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