July 21, 2004

I went to a party tonight. It was at the place that I'm moving to in a week. I saw a girl there that I know. We decided to have sex. In the room that I am moving into. You know, to christen it. Makes sense, right?

Here's the problem: I don't live in that room yet. Even that would normally be OK, except the girl whose bed we fucked in...yeah, she came home as we were fucking. And she doesn't move out until August 1st. So she got mad. REAL REAL mad.

I tried the, "Hey, if you can't take a joke, then fuck you," bit, but she wasn't buying it. I finished quickly and got the fuck out, pretending that nothing bad happened.

The next day I woke to this email. It's from the girl that I was fucking at the party last night:

"Although I don't blame you for bailing so quickly (would have done the same), but I had to listen to so much shit because of what happened. The girl whose room it was came back upstairs after you left and claimed that she "walked in" on us. She was fuming when she came upstairs. Then for the next 40 minutes I had to listen to what kind of risks you had to take when you invite Tucker Max to a party, and how you shouldn't invite him at all. Yeah, it was great fun, considering I couldn't leave since my ride was enthusiastically taking part in this conversation, and had to sit in that room with all those people who were looking at me funny. Keeping in mind that we didn't actually finish, I'm just going to say that you owe me...make of that what you will, but I think you know what I mean."

January 30, 2005

A real email from a girl I fucked last week:

"Hey Tucker,
I just wanted to thank you for the lovely experience I had at my
gynecologist today. I went in for a regular check-up which was
supposed to take a maximum of 15 minutes. Everything went normally,
the doctor checked me out and then asked me to sit up so he could talk
to me about the bruises on my thighs and shoulders. Whatever, I guess
I should have expected it, but I had completely forgotten they were
there. I kind of giggled when I told him that they were hickeys, but
he just looked at me gravely and asked me to dress and wait in the
room for another doctor. Shortly after, a woman came into the room
and started talking to me about my sex life, partners, etc. She told
me about the longterm psychological effects of sexual and physical
abuse, about the support groups offered by the university, the
confidentiality, blah blah blah. Throughout this, I'm vehemently
trying to explain that I was neither raped nor being abused by anyone;
she just continues feeding me lines like, "we can only help you if you
help yourself." O my god! Honestly, I was talking to this woman for
over a half an hour before they permitted to let me go-- after they
had loaded me up with abuse pamphlets and given me the #'s to like 80
help lines. When I got out I was still a little perturbed by their
accusations. Did I come off as one of those disturbed, self-esteem
lacking girls? I did have sex with you knowing well what type of
person you were. Am I emotionally disturbed? Then I realized, "No."
I should have expected it. That's simply what I get for hanging out
with you. you owe me that wasted half an hour of my life back."

March 20, 2005

This is an email from one of my current fuck buddies (different from the two above). Yes, she is kinda young, but well within the age of consent in Illinois:

"Oh my GOD. I really can't believe this happened. I really can't. I knew you were pretty popular, but this was just ridiculous. I thought you might get a kick out of it, and maybe find a new appreciation for the extent to which you are influencing the world. (I don't think that is a good thing.)

Today I had an appointment with my doctor for that yearly physical thing. After he had drawn what seemed like a pint of blood out of me, and practically felt me up to find my heartbeat, he brought me into a room to talk to me in private. I knew this wasn't going to be good. He closed the door, and asked me if there was anything I needed to tell him. I smiled and shook my head. He persisted, "Nothing? I mean, sex or anything like that? If you are having sex we need to know about it, it's a very big deal. We need to talk about birth control and safe sex, or what is going on. There's a lot of consequences that come with sex, and it's important for us to know and be honest about all that."

I had a choice to make. I could tell this man I was having sex, or I could lie. I chose to lie. Maybe it was the eyeliner I was wearing that gave off a particularly whorish vibe, but the man would not leave it alone, and he basically said I would get AIDS and gonorrhea and die if I wasn't honest. So I confessed, "Yeah..I've been having sex."

Doctor: ::disapproving sigh::..well, let's get down to business. For how long, and with how many partners?
Me: Um, I don't know a month or two, and just two people.
Doctor: Were these boyfriends..?
Me: Hahaha, no.
Doctor: How old were these boys, do you know them from school? Were you their first partners, or were these casual party things?
Me: Well, one of them is a guy from school. The other...well he's 28. Ha, um...trust me it's not as bad as it sounds...
Doctor: Oh sweet Jesus. 28? Have you been going to parties, doing drugs or anything like that, with guys this age? Where do you even meet someone that old?
Me: Well, he has this website, it's pretty popular. ...Okay, this is sounding worse and worse...
Doctor: A website?
Me: Yeah...his name is Tucker Max, he--
Doctor: TUCKER MAX!!! I LOVE TUCKER MAX!!!
Me: ...You...you know him?
Doctor: Oh sure, he's hilarious! Wow, you are like a celebrity now! I don't blame you for that one! Alright well let's make an appointment with a gyno for you, just be safe and careful with this guy, because you really shouldn't be with him. You will end up hurt, there is no other way around it. Use your head and be safe, I can't tell you what to do or not, and this is confidential, but honestly...Tucker Max, as much as I would love to hang out with him, he is an asshole looking to use innocent girls. And you are one of them. But on the other hand, well, not like I condone this in anyway...but wow! This is quite a day; I know someone who slept with Tucker Max! But yes, let's get you on birth control.

I swear to God, I almost died after this happened. I don't even know what to say to this. Is this even possible? What the FUCK? Apparently your fanbase is wider than I thought...this guy is like 50 years old and I thought he was pretty conservative.

I think I should switch doctors."

Posted by Tucker Max at 3:15 PM

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