If you are a reasonably intelligent female, it should be obvious that you don't want to date me. I am shallow, narcissistic, self-absorbed, and insufferably arrogant. I have no desire to commit to anything beyond a cell phone contract. At any given time, I am fucking multiple women, and will not give up that sexual freedom for a partner. My last girlfriend told me, and I am quoting, "dating you was worse than a barium enema." And she's actually HAD a barium enema.

Even beyond that, women probably shouldn't want to just hook up with me either. I am purely utilitarian and totally selfish in bed, dismissive of the desires of others, and could care less about anyone's happiness but my own.

But even though I freely and willingly admit this to women, and even direct them to my website as proof, some women disregard the obvious and manifest problems with me and want to date or hook up anyway.

If they are lucky, they only come away with VD.

These are two stories about the unintended consequences of hooking up with Tucker Max:

Story 1:
One night this girl "Bridget," who had been emailing me for a few weeks, came over to hang out. She was cool, we had some drinks and then had incredible sex all night long. We hung out the whole next day, had a great time, fucked some more, and she went back home. She's very cool, great in bed, and I'd probably hang out with her again. I'd definitely fuck her again.

About two weeks later, I got this email from a male friend of hers. There are so many funny parts I'm not sure which ones to highlight (ed note: the bruises he talks about are from biting. I like to bite during real intense sex. I know, I know--I have dominance issues. Leave me alone).

The email is copied and pasted verbatim, exactly as I received it. I didn't feel like putting a [sic] behind every one of the numerous errors, but this is exactly as I saw it in my Inbox:

----- Original Message -----
From: John
To: tuckermax@tuckermax.com
Sent: Tuesday, August 05, 2003 10:26 AM
Subject: you fucking asshoel

you probably dont remember this girls name and she
probabaly meant nothing to you but youre not going to
get away with something like this. her name is [Bridget]
and you hooked up with her sometime last week. ring
any bells? how the fuck could you do anything like
that? she's a great girl, the best you'll ever have
and youre not worth one second of her time. it pisses
me off that now she'll be placed into your repetoire
of whore that youve fucked when shes clearly not. she
doesnt do these sorts of things and my only
explanation for it is that youve somehow corrupted
her.
i asked her where she disappeared to that monday night
and her answer was "oh...i hooked up with tucker
max...best fuck EVER."
my mouth dropped in disbelief when i heard those
words. you don't understand...the term "hooked up" was
not in her vocabulary until she met you.
i had no clue as to who the hell you were but a friend
latger told me about your website so i checked it out.
after seeing what a blatant misogynistic, shallow,
asshoel you are, i had to find out why she would waste
her time on you, of all people. her response? "he was
good looking, smart and easy, so i let the night take
its course."
now i can see why she might be attracted to you, after
all there are, unforutnately some stiriking
similarities between you two...but it still makes no
fucking sense. i can only pray to god that she doesnt
end up like you in 10 yeras.
i saw the bruise you left and i'm sure there are more.
what the hell did you do to her? you have no idea how
many ways shes above you. shes out of your league and
deserves moire than your sorry ass could ever provide.
you dont understand...clinicly shes a nymphomaniac.
she has a probolem, and for your to take advantatege
of this is fucking pathetic.
hope for your sake asshole that i never meet you. i
swear to god i'll fucking kill you if i ever do.
-john
ps: what do you have to say for yourself?"
_______________________________________________

The funniest thing was picturing the fit of apoplectic rage he must have been in when he typed this. How do you misspell "latger" but then spell "misogynistic" correctly not even one line later? This dude must have been fuming when he wrote this, just shaking with anger. That's awesome.

I forwarded the email to Bridget. Her response:

"Seems like the common aftermath for a girl who spends the night with you, doesn't it? I'm surprised they don't have your picture posted in abortion clinics across the nation with the caption 'Beware.' As for the biting...you're not hearing any complaints from me."

Apparently, the guy who wrote it, John, is the roommate of one her male friends, and she barely knows him. Her friend was looking for an excuse to kick John of their apartment, and as a result of this email, he did just that. Bridget went over and helped her friend move ALL the guys stuff out into the yard and change the locks when he was at work.

That was in August of 2003. Bridget left for college a few months later, but unfortunately for her, the repercussions of hooking up with me were not over.

About a month into the school year, she emailed this to me (background--she goes to a nerdy college, like the University of Chicago, and I told her that she would have no fun there):

"Hey Tucker,

Your description of this place was frighteningly correct. Aside from the rare frat party that goes on one day of the weekend, this place is dead. Do you know of anything, any places or things to do here, that would be entertaining?

Why am I asking you any of this? Well, first off, you told me to. Second, I
seriously doubt the judgment of my RA's and RH's after the conversation
below. Yeah, I know you're busy in LA, but whatever. It's just an email.

You're a legend over all the frat houses. Sometime during Orientation Week, some guys at [frat] asked me if I knew you. My response was, "Yeah, I slept with him." So now I have the nickname of "The Girl Who Slept With Tucker Max,"
although I'm sure I can't be the only one here. Now whenever I go there (I've been there about four times), at least one of the brothers asks me about how you were in bed, and even about your techniques.

Somehow the above information got to my RH's and just yesterday they kicked
my roommate out of our room to have a "talk" with me. Here's the conversation:

RH: "We've been hearing some rumors that you might have pursued
relations with someone, ahem, famous."
Me: "Oh, who?"
RH: "Have you ever heard of the name Tucker Max?"
Me: "Ohhhh, I know where this is going. Of course I've heard of Tucker Max."
RH: "Well, is there any truth to this rumor?"
Me: "I'm not going to lie..."
RH: "No, stop there. I really hope this isn't a sign of your future judgment,
because if it is, we're going to have problems."

It's quite amazing how much you're adored and hated at the same time here."

ARE YOU KIDDING?? This poor girl had her Resident Heads counsel her about having sex with me! Unbelievable. Literally unbelievable. She fucked me once, months before she went to school, and they asked her about it, then tell her it was bad judgment?

I'm not sure which is better, that story or this next one:

Story 2:
These are four text messages I got late one Saturday night from a girl I hooked up with a few times. I am printing them here VERBATIM, just as they showed up on my phone:

I am gonna fucken kill myself. My booty call left half way through because I told him I slept with you.

Fucking pulled the fuck out and left.

Then I puked on my new carpet.

You the man.

First: Who talks about former partners DURING sex? Shouldn't you be busy fucking?

Second: What dude is dumb enough to ask a woman WHO she's fucked. Trust me fellas--you will never like the answer. Ever. No matter how sweet she is or how much you like her, you will always have some objection to someone she's fucked in the past. If you really want to keep fucking her, don't ask.

Third: It was her booty call that asked this question. This is a guy whose only relationship to her is for sex, yet he's asking her about previous partners--DURING SEX?

Fourth: Am I that bad? Does sex with me put girls on the "Do Not Fuck" list? THAT IS AWESOME!

Honestly--am I here right now? Is this my life? A dude STOPS IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX BECAUSE HE FOUND OUT THE GIRL SLEPT WITH ME?? FACULTY MEMBERS OF PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITIES COUNSEL GIRLS WHO HAVE HAD SEX WITH ME?? IS THIS FOR REAL??

Does this happen to anyone else? If I wanted to ask advice about this sort of stuff from someone who'd been through it before, who would I go to? Is there any sort of precedent for this sort of thing? Is there a manual for this? This is a subject for a book--but who could write it except for me?

Posted by at 11:12 PM

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