My friend and I were out the other night, and as per my usual routine, I was piss drunk. We were evaluating and crassly objectifying various girls, when I decided I wanted to hit on a particular female. My friend was unenthusiastic about her appearance, and let me know:

Friend "No; that girl is hideous."
Tucker "Whatever. She's good enough for the dick."
Friend "Your dick needs glasses."

I quickly get too shit-housed to succeed with anything other than a toilet brush, and go home alone. I was so retarded drunk that even the ugly girl wasn't into me. I started scrolling through my phone looking for booty calls and came across the number of a girl I used to hook up with, but hadn't talked to in about a month. After calling and waking her up, the conversation went like this:

Tucker "Come over. I want to see you."
Girl "Tucker, I'm not going to come over and sleep with you."
Tucker "Well just come over...so we can talk. I want to talk to you...you know, hear about your day."
Girl "You want to hear about my day? At 3am? Right."
Tucker [Long pause ensues] "You aren't hot enough to have this much self-respect."

I'm clearly going to hell.

Posted by at 11:37 PM

Print Friendly · Digg it · del.icio.us · StumbleUpon · Netscape